Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

  Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty snowball fight A flirty cookie or gingerbread decorating scene Workaholic woman or man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas Unexplainable magical item that imbues people with the holiday spirit and changes lives Where do you think they hid the carrot???  Synopsis: Yes, dear readers, we have deviated from our beloved Hallmark channel and veered into Netflix Holiday territory!  Contrary to popular belief, Hot Frosty is not a porn. Thanks to a strategically placed magical scarf and a tragic widow (cue the sad trumpets), our search history has been forever tarnished by Netflix's latest rom-com romp through mounds of fake snow and Christmas cheer.  The wikipedia description of this cinematic masterpiece is something that I can't really improve upon so I am leaving it below for all of you to enjoy. "On Christmas Eve, the town gathers at the diner. Kathy's speech is interrupted whe...

  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Single dad with a precocious child and a heart of gold Under the mistletoe make-out scene A flirty Christmas Tree Decorating Scene We're all for Christmas but how many damn trees does one room need? Synopsis: Kat is, apparently, an esteemed astrophysicist who was supposed to go on an unknown mission to space but a car accident gives her black dotted vision and so she decides to move home and volunteer at the local planetarium, where she has to come up with a Christmas exhibit for the Planetarium (after watching the movie, we still don't know what that is either) with David, a stuffy single father.   Also there is a side plot with her unemployed brother (Andy) who may or not harbor dreams of being an event planner or a graphic designer and lives with his parents and falls for a gift shop employee while they are planning an event for kids.  Favorite Line: "Science Stuff."- an astrophysicist referring to her work.   Ran...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A small town Christmas tree lighting Tragic widow or widower with a precocious child and a heart of gold Under the mistletoe make-out scene This is the expression of a man who is seeing color for the first time. No, seriously. It is.   Synopsis: “A colorblind elementary school teacher meets an optometrist who helps bring color into his life in time for the holidays.” I wish I was joking but, yes, this movie is about Ryan, a grumpy teacher who consistently lies about being colorblind for reasons we can't possibly fathom and Michelle, a widowed optometrist whose unfailing optimism doesn't stop her from treating him like he has a horrible, disfiguring disability. We are never given a clear backstory on why Ryan is all bah humbug and hates Christmas. Because he can't see color? I guess that makes sense? There is also a crazy subplot about Michelle's ex who is probably a stalker and ...

  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty cookie decorating/baking scene Inn or B&B named after some sort of Christmas derivative  Workaholic woman who has to push a big deal through by Christmas Day A character who may or may not be the REAL Santa I am not sure what kind of wardrobe malfunction causes this but it is bonkers.  Synopsis: A workaholic, big-city real estate executive travels to Alaska to buy a bed-and-breakfast because, of course, it absolutely HAS to be purchased BY Christmas Day, only to discover it is, of course, owned by her ex-boyfriend, Andy. We already have SO many thoughts on this movie from the description alone, however, we must disclose the fact that this is a sequel to Christmas Under Wraps , starring former Hallmark star Candace Cameron Bure. Did we mention CCB also played a big-city, workaholic woman? Did we also mention that TV's Stephanie Tanner, Jodie Sweetin , now plays the new love interest and erases all trace of CCB's character w...

  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Workaholic woman who no longer believes in love or the magic of Christmas A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year A Christmas music montage with characters doing Christmasy things This movie should have been about Bill aka Rebel Without a Claus and Contestant #4 . Everyone else is a straight up monster.  Synopsis: What would our Hallmark Christmas review blog be without at least one movie with Candace Cameron Bure ? Yet again, Hallmark urges us all to get back together with our exes during Christmas time even when the relationship was incredibly toxic.  This time getting back together with your ex is easy when he is a former MLB MVP who aggressively peddles sub-par jerky. All you need to do is compete against him in a cutthroat Christmas Competition to win money for a charity that you don't actually care about! Watch sparks fly as exes Lara and Ben square off to see which one of them i...

  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Phone call or conversation that is overheard, misinterpreted, forcing character to leave true love behind Uses picking out a Christmas tree as a metaphor for finding love A Christmas music montage with characters doing Christmas-y things Workaholic woman who no longer believes in love or the magic of Christmas This is NOT the sequel I was hoping to get. - Brandon Routh Synopsis: Disclaimer: The only reason why we chose to review this movie is because Beth and I wrote a review about the original move, The Nine Lives of Christmas , back when this blog was in its infancy with zero readers. I apologize to the friends I made sit through the sequel as I don't think any amount of alcohol helped us make sense of the plot. Zachary is still a lifelong bachelor/firefighter/contractor house flipper (we are STILL confused on how he manages to do both, but whatevs) and Marilee is now a workah...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty cookie decorating/baking scene A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty horse-drawn carriage ride scene Christmas Eve party that everyone attends instead of being at home with their families Let's all clap at the fact that our homemade decorations will poison the wildlife in our backyard.  Synopsis: Jess, an over-worked assistant for Charles Darlington, offers to watch Charles' orphaned nieces and nephew when she finds out that no one else in the Darlington family cares about them and would rather see the poor kids languish away in a Connecticut boarding school. Will Max, the irresponsible youngest brother, figure out that what he really wants is actually right here under his nose? Or will someone murder Charles for being a cold-blooded automaton who delights in making orphans cry?  Favorite Line: Max: "I like pinecones. Pinecones are fun."  Max totally ate paste as a child.  Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie...

You're Bacon Me Crazy It's time to compare our budding relationship to these over-ripe persimmons! Because, why wouldn't we?   Synopsis: Cleo  is a stuck-up food truck owner who hates sit-down restaurants, has a horrifying fake Italian accent and is dying to win Portland's "City of Roses: Food Truck Competition". No really, guys. That's the name of the competition.  Sam  is a bacon-loving rival food truck owner who just can't seem to stay in one place for very long.  Will competing for the title of Lamest Food Truck in the Greater Portland area halt their burgeoning love story or will bacon have the power to bring them together? Let's be honest, the only reason why we are watching this movie is because it has BACON in the title. Favorite Line: Norma:  What may I ask is the sauce made from? Cleo:  LOVE. VOMIT. Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: Cleo's quirky! She rides a moped!  Sam's listening to ro...

Yes, dear readers, Beth and I are back! I am sure you missed us desperately. Get ready for "Love in the Time of Quarantine",  a special edition of our wildly popular Hallmark Christmas Movie Review Blog. We'll be stepping out of the Christmas Craze and watching some of Hallmark's latest "Spring Fling" movies.  While we are all stuck home in fuzzy slippers, guzzling down alcohol until they shut down the liquor stores, we hope this brings you comfort when the wine and the excitement of seeing faces over Zoom wear off. In The Key of Love Let's all point at the camera. That will show the audience that we really ARE taking pictures.  Synopsis: On Piedmont Island where the only industry or form of commerce revolves around weddings or ferry boat maintenance, photographer Maggie works for her Grandma's wedding planning business because her music career (along with her relationship) went down in flames years ago. Somehow, even though she is invo...

Hallmark Tagline: "Tis the season to believe that shoes are a girl's best friend."  UGH.  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty horse-drawn carriage ride through the city  A flirty cookie-making scene.  Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit  Character named after some sort of Christmas derivative (Noelle)  Workaholic woman who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas  Guardian angel that imbues people with the “Holiday Spirit” and changes lives  This Hallmark Holiday movie review was written by the ever delightful,Virginia Rohan. Not only are we grateful that a published writer has agreed to be a part of our little blog but we also think she is far too nice to be writing these.  ;)  I always pose for pics with a stranger when I get locked in a department store overnight. Synopsis: Noelle used to love Christmas, but these days, the only holiday element that still exci...

Hallmark Tagline: "Darcy Fitzwilliam thought she had it all. But this Christmas, she'll find out what she's been missing." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A small-town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Phone call or conversation that is overheard and misinterpreted, forcing a character to leave true love behind Under the mistletoe make-out scene "At least I'm not playing another baker in this movie." - Lacey Chabert, 2018 Synopsis: We didn't think Hallmark could bring even more shame upon "Pride and Prejudice" but, alas, we underestimated their power to blatantly disregard the exceptional plot of Jane Austin's magnum opus. In a shocking twist of literary hijinx, Darcy Fitzwilliam is actually a GIRL. A girl investment banker with her OWN fir...