Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty cookie decorating/baking scene A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty horse-drawn carriage ride scene Christmas Eve party that everyone attends instead of being at home with their families Let's all clap at the fact that our homemade decorations will poison the wildlife in our backyard.  Synopsis: Jess, an over-worked assistant for Charles Darlington, offers to watch Charles' orphaned nieces and nephew when she finds out that no one else in the Darlington family cares about them and would rather see the poor kids languish away in a Connecticut boarding school. Will Max, the irresponsible youngest brother, figure out that what he really wants is actually right here under his nose? Or will someone murder Charles for being a cold-blooded automaton who delights in making orphans cry?  Favorite Line: Max: "I like pinecones. Pinecones are fun."  Max totally ate paste as a child.  Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie...

Hallmark Tagline: "Darcy Fitzwilliam thought she had it all. But this Christmas, she'll find out what she's been missing." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A small-town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Phone call or conversation that is overheard and misinterpreted, forcing a character to leave true love behind Under the mistletoe make-out scene "At least I'm not playing another baker in this movie." - Lacey Chabert, 2018 Synopsis: We didn't think Hallmark could bring even more shame upon "Pride and Prejudice" but, alas, we underestimated their power to blatantly disregard the exceptional plot of Jane Austin's magnum opus. In a shocking twist of literary hijinx, Darcy Fitzwilliam is actually a GIRL. A girl investment banker with her OWN fir...

Hallmark Tagline: "There's no place like home- especially Elvis' home." No. Just no. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty cookie or gingerbread decoration scene A flirty ice skating scene Big, looming corporation that threatens to either build some sort of development on precious town land or close down a treasured local business by Christmas Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Fancy running into you here at Graceland, ex-boyfriend from 3rd grade.  Synopsis: Laurel is the VP of some sort of Chicago based company that has no clear purpose except for buying beloved local banks by Christmas Eve. While on a business trip to Memphis, she closes no deals but she does prance around Graceland with her precocious daughter and her concert promoting ex-boyfriend, Clay .  Handsome, rice crispy baking Clay is great with kids, throws Christmas Eve concerts an...

  Marry Me at Christmas  Tagline:  "Hollywood star Johnny Blake thought he had it all. Until he met the perfect small town sweetheart." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Family or independently owned business hemorrhaging money A character whose parents showed her/him the meaning of true love and he/she won't settle for anything less Flirty Christmas tree decorating scene Flirty snowball fight Huge mega star comes to small town for the purpose of "getting away from it all" (See also Christmas in Homestead )  EPIC FAIL ON NOT LOOKING HIGH OUT OF YOUR MIND, JOHNNY. Synopsis: Mega famous actor Johnny Blake , star of the wildly popular Fire's Edge franchise (or so the giant, dilapidated billboard in the beginning of the movie would have us believe), comes to the small town of Fool's Gold to get his little sister, Ginger, married to a creeper named Oliver and to light up the heart of the failing bridal boutique's owner, Ma...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit A flirty/romantic cookie or gingerbread decorating scene A flirty/romantic tree decorating scene A classic "you have dirt on your face let me wipe it off" moment A charming little town Christmas tradition/festival/event that is the biggest event of the year (Holiday Tour of Homes Charity Event) A Christmas proposal or wedding Do you know what this house needs? More giant pinecones! I'M THE BEST DESIGNER. Synopsis: Interior decorator and obsessed-with-becoming-a-December bride  Layla irrationally blames Seth for the fact that her bitchy cousin stole her fiancee at some weird work function because he was, like, there when they met? Layla's ex-fiancee and cousin apparently speed to the alter and she is scolded by Judgey McJudgerson Aunt Lorraine for not wanting to go to the wedding so Seth magically reappears and offers to be her date so she doesn...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Workaholic woman who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas who has a workaholic, stuffy boyfriend Big looming corporate company that is a threat to small town life and/or will be closing down a local business and/or factory An uber romantic horse drawn carriage ride through the city Features a charming little inn or B&B that is one of the centerpieces of the town and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Gingerbread Inn) A small town whose sole purpose is to celebrate Christmas and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Cookie Jar) A gingerbread house or cookie decorating scene A small town contest, Christmas based, that's the biggest event of the year The handsome factory owner sure knows how to defend the towns honor. And point at stuff.  Synopsis: An evil corporation without a soul, National Foods, is desperate to buy Aunt Sally's Cookie company so they send a bahumbug workaholic single woma...

We are taking a break from our regularly scheduled program (so many movies to watch, audience, sooo many) to show you something amazing we discovered while watching these delightful Hallmark Movies. Its a phenomenon we like to call "The Awkward Pause". Since DVR has made it possible to pause the films so that we can retrieve another much needed glass of wine, champagne, rum, or rubbing alcohol, we found that it also allows us to capture the greatest moments in Hallmark Christmas Movie History. Today we want to take you on a journey of some of our favorite moments over the past Holiday Movie Watching Season. "The Constipated Prince: A Study in Contrasts"  "Hello from the Outsiiiiiiiiiide. At least I can say that I've triiiiiiied. To get you into the Christmas spirit, bitch." The things a girl will do to impress a prince.   WHOA! Let me sit here and stroke my beard because I'm William Fucking Shatner and I can do anything. ...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic widower with a precocious daughter and a heart of gold Cold, never-been-married woman who has a fear of abandonment and no longer believes in the Holiday Spirit Has the REAL Santa The Northpole is in danger! A Christmas music montage with characters doing christmas-y things Flirty/romantic christmas tree decorating  dancing scene Have you ever wanted an estranged aunt to die and leave you an inn in the middle of nowhere that is a secret power station of Christmas Magic that fuels Santa's Sleigh in his journey around the world to deliver presents to all of the world's children? OMG, so have I.  It's TV's Lori Loughlin! Becky  Donalson-Katsopolis from Full House can do no wrong! ***Before you read this delightful tale, you may want to read our review of the first installment of the  North Pole series , where a young boy saves Christmas by drawing a stick figure throwing sperm in the air.*** Synopsis: Sadly, ...

Hallmark Holiday Checklist : Has the REAL Santa!  The Northpole is losing its christmas magic due to children all over the world not believing in Santa and/or the christmas spirit and thus Christmas might be cancelled FOREVER and EVER Uses picking out a Christmas Tree as a metaphor for finding love Evil  developer wanting to tear down cute and charming town park or historical site in order to build condos or other buildings fueled by evil Flirty/romantic ice skating scene A Nutcracker Suite montage with characters doing christmas-y things.  Hallmark has been flooding their channel with advertisements for this movie every  commercial  break, proclaiming loudly and with wild and reckless abandon that Northpole is THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE of the Holiday season. Prior to starting this blog, we had no idea this was the case but Beth must have been subconsciously (and diabolically) taken over by Hallmark as she "accidentally" bought Northp...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist A Character whose parents taught her the meaning of true love and she won't settle for anything less (seriously, that's three movies in a row now) Tragic widower with a young daughter and a heart of gold  A charming little small town Christmas Festival that's the biggest event of the year A Nutcracker Suite montage with characters doing christmas-y things.  A main character says "All I want for Christmas is you." with a straight face Are you horrible at baking and friendship but still long for that single dad with the tragic back story? Then you need to stop what you are doing right now and watch A Cookie Cutter Christmas !  MY LIFE IS SADLY LACKING A COOKIE BAKING  NEMESIS! Synopsis:  Two rival teachers who have been mortal enemies since their epic Christmas Concert dueling duet debacle at age eight try to destroy each other while competing to win a holiday baking contest AND the affections of a handsome sin...