Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Single dad with a precocious child and a heart of gold Under the mistletoe make-out scene A flirty Christmas Tree Decorating Scene We're all for Christmas but how many damn trees does one room need? Synopsis: Kat is, apparently, an esteemed astrophysicist who was supposed to go on an unknown mission to space but a car accident gives her black dotted vision and so she decides to move home and volunteer at the local planetarium, where she has to come up with a Christmas exhibit for the Planetarium (after watching the movie, we still don't know what that is either) with David, a stuffy single father.   Also there is a side plot with her unemployed brother (Andy) who may or not harbor dreams of being an event planner or a graphic designer and lives with his parents and falls for a gift shop employee while they are planning an event for kids.  Favorite Line: "Science Stuff."- an astrophysicist referring to her work.   Ran...

  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Phone call or conversation that is overheard, misinterpreted, forcing character to leave true love behind Uses picking out a Christmas tree as a metaphor for finding love A Christmas music montage with characters doing Christmas-y things Workaholic woman who no longer believes in love or the magic of Christmas This is NOT the sequel I was hoping to get. - Brandon Routh Synopsis: Disclaimer: The only reason why we chose to review this movie is because Beth and I wrote a review about the original move, The Nine Lives of Christmas , back when this blog was in its infancy with zero readers. I apologize to the friends I made sit through the sequel as I don't think any amount of alcohol helped us make sense of the plot. Zachary is still a lifelong bachelor/firefighter/contractor house flipper (we are STILL confused on how he manages to do both, but whatevs) and Marilee is now a workah...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty cookie decorating/baking scene A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty horse-drawn carriage ride scene Christmas Eve party that everyone attends instead of being at home with their families Let's all clap at the fact that our homemade decorations will poison the wildlife in our backyard.  Synopsis: Jess, an over-worked assistant for Charles Darlington, offers to watch Charles' orphaned nieces and nephew when she finds out that no one else in the Darlington family cares about them and would rather see the poor kids languish away in a Connecticut boarding school. Will Max, the irresponsible youngest brother, figure out that what he really wants is actually right here under his nose? Or will someone murder Charles for being a cold-blooded automaton who delights in making orphans cry?  Favorite Line: Max: "I like pinecones. Pinecones are fun."  Max totally ate paste as a child.  Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie...

Hallmark Tagline: "Tis the season to believe that shoes are a girl's best friend."  UGH.  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty horse-drawn carriage ride through the city  A flirty cookie-making scene.  Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit  Character named after some sort of Christmas derivative (Noelle)  Workaholic woman who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas  Guardian angel that imbues people with the “Holiday Spirit” and changes lives  This Hallmark Holiday movie review was written by the ever delightful,Virginia Rohan. Not only are we grateful that a published writer has agreed to be a part of our little blog but we also think she is far too nice to be writing these.  ;)  I always pose for pics with a stranger when I get locked in a department store overnight. Synopsis: Noelle used to love Christmas, but these days, the only holiday element that still exci...

Hallmark Tagline: "Darcy Fitzwilliam thought she had it all. But this Christmas, she'll find out what she's been missing." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A small-town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Phone call or conversation that is overheard and misinterpreted, forcing a character to leave true love behind Under the mistletoe make-out scene "At least I'm not playing another baker in this movie." - Lacey Chabert, 2018 Synopsis: We didn't think Hallmark could bring even more shame upon "Pride and Prejudice" but, alas, we underestimated their power to blatantly disregard the exceptional plot of Jane Austin's magnum opus. In a shocking twist of literary hijinx, Darcy Fitzwilliam is actually a GIRL. A girl investment banker with her OWN fir...

Hallmark Tagline: "There's no place like home- especially Elvis' home." No. Just no. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty cookie or gingerbread decoration scene A flirty ice skating scene Big, looming corporation that threatens to either build some sort of development on precious town land or close down a treasured local business by Christmas Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Fancy running into you here at Graceland, ex-boyfriend from 3rd grade.  Synopsis: Laurel is the VP of some sort of Chicago based company that has no clear purpose except for buying beloved local banks by Christmas Eve. While on a business trip to Memphis, she closes no deals but she does prance around Graceland with her precocious daughter and her concert promoting ex-boyfriend, Clay .  Handsome, rice crispy baking Clay is great with kids, throws Christmas Eve concerts an...

"It's Christmas, Eve" tagline: "This Christmas, unfinished business becomes the greatest gift she never expected." We still don't know what her unfinished business was. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit A character named after some sort of Christmas derivative Workaholic woman or man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene Character rediscovers her/his love of Christmas through singing A bitch fight over a Christmas tree leads to love.  Synopsis: An interim superintendent, Eve Morgan , is hired 10 days before Christmas to make massive budget cuts for the school district of Franklin without oversight, public voting or state approval. Coincidently, Franklin is also her hometown! What are the odds?! While not doing any actual work for this position, Eve falls in love with a single father who teaches music at the school she i...

Switched for Christmas  tagline:  "This holiday Candice Cameron Bure and Candice Cameron Bure star as twins who swap lives and discover Christmas is better when they work together." Boy, Hallmark is getting lazier with their taglines. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year  Workaholic woman/man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas A Christmas music montage with characters doing Christmas-y things A gingerbread house or cookie decorating scene Under the mistletoe make-out scene A flirty ice-skating scene The look of loathing on Happy the dog's face is the same one we all wore while watching this movie. Synopsis: Full disclosure, there were six of us watching Switched at Christmas and copious amounts of red wine were consumed (see picture below). There was a lot of laughter, disbelief ...

The Sweetest Christmas  tagline:  "Hallmark Channel is serving up the perfect holiday treat. Now she'll need a little help to make her sweetest dreams come true." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty snowball fight A handsome/beautiful single father/mother who runs their family business due to personal tragedy A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year (THE American Gingerbread Competition, bitches!)  My favorite part of this picture is the guy behind the curtain who is clapping to no one.  Synopsis: Kylie, who gave up her dream of becoming a chef for reasons that don't make much sense, works for her not-quite-right-for-her boyfriend's company Hockey Homes. Over a romantic dinner at her ex-boyfriend  Nick's restaurant, Alex decides to ask Kylie to be his... office manager. Confused? Yeah, we were too. Because it's totally norm...

Christmas Festival of Ice  tagline:  "The law may be her calling but it's ice sculpting that truly melts her heart." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A character whose parents showed her/him the meaning of true love and he/she won't settle for anything less A handsome/beautiful, single man or woman who runs their family Christmas tree lot and/or farm A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year (The Westford Ice Sculpting Competition!)  Please glance longingly at my hammer. Synopsis: Emma just got out of law school, which she was pretty meh about, and is a terrible employee at her mom's law office in the small town of Westford. When the town's ice sculpting competition is threatened by a disappearing town budget and an incompetent councilman, the lure of shaving ice into a reindeer head becomes too strong for Emma and she is whipped into a chipping fever! Enter kindly, handsome single Chri...

  Marry Me at Christmas  Tagline:  "Hollywood star Johnny Blake thought he had it all. Until he met the perfect small town sweetheart." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Family or independently owned business hemorrhaging money A character whose parents showed her/him the meaning of true love and he/she won't settle for anything less Flirty Christmas tree decorating scene Flirty snowball fight Huge mega star comes to small town for the purpose of "getting away from it all" (See also Christmas in Homestead )  EPIC FAIL ON NOT LOOKING HIGH OUT OF YOUR MIND, JOHNNY. Synopsis: Mega famous actor Johnny Blake , star of the wildly popular Fire's Edge franchise (or so the giant, dilapidated billboard in the beginning of the movie would have us believe), comes to the small town of Fool's Gold to get his little sister, Ginger, married to a creeper named Oliver and to light up the heart of the failing bridal boutique's owner, Ma...