Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

Hallmark Tagline: "There's no place like home- especially Elvis' home." No. Just no. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty cookie or gingerbread decoration scene A flirty ice skating scene Big, looming corporation that threatens to either build some sort of development on precious town land or close down a treasured local business by Christmas Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Fancy running into you here at Graceland, ex-boyfriend from 3rd grade.  Synopsis: Laurel is the VP of some sort of Chicago based company that has no clear purpose except for buying beloved local banks by Christmas Eve. While on a business trip to Memphis, she closes no deals but she does prance around Graceland with her precocious daughter and her concert promoting ex-boyfriend, Clay .  Handsome, rice crispy baking Clay is great with kids, throws Christmas Eve concerts an...

Switched for Christmas  tagline:  "This holiday Candice Cameron Bure and Candice Cameron Bure star as twins who swap lives and discover Christmas is better when they work together." Boy, Hallmark is getting lazier with their taglines. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year  Workaholic woman/man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas A Christmas music montage with characters doing Christmas-y things A gingerbread house or cookie decorating scene Under the mistletoe make-out scene A flirty ice-skating scene The look of loathing on Happy the dog's face is the same one we all wore while watching this movie. Synopsis: Full disclosure, there were six of us watching Switched at Christmas and copious amounts of red wine were consumed (see picture below). There was a lot of laughter, disbelief ...

Hallmark Movie Checklist: Down on her luck girl returns to her hometown and bumps into an old flame Someone uses the words "unmarried" and "spinster" in the same sentence.  Scene in a sprawling, beautiful and quaint Christmas Tree Lot that resembles no Christmas Tree Lot we have ever encountered in real life.  Flirty/romantic ice skating scene that turns into a kiss Overly enthusiastic (and frequent mentions) of "The Real Santa" and subsequent visits by a man who may or may not be "The Real Santa" A charming little small town Christmas Festival and/or Pageant that's the biggest event of the year Features unexplainable circumstances that are explained away by the term "Christmas Magic" We are back, ladies (and the possibly one or two gentlemen who are actually reading this blog) with a charming Christmas morality tale of giving up your dreams for a man. We had high hopes for Hallmark's Holiday Season opener because ...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic widower with a young daughter and a heart of gold Tragic army widow who lost her husband in the line of duty Animal brings a couple together Flirty/romantic ice skating scene Uses picking out a Christmas Tree as a metaphor for finding love Flirty/romantic christmas tree decorating scene Have you ever wanted something that didn't belong to you, even if it's a living being? According to the Christmas Shepherd , you can keep anything you want- as long as you declare it a part of your family first- without any legal recourse, social repercussions, or even personal judgement from the original owner.  STEALING THINGS IS MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS TRADITION! Synopsis: Girl loses dog. Boy finds dog. Boy's daughter refuses to give dog back even though the dog is NOT HER DOG. It takes 2 hours, a terrifying (or flirty) ice skating debacle, and a mind-boggling  ass-shaking, hot chocolate-stirring scene for girl to get dog...

Hallmark Holiday Checklist : Has the REAL Santa!  The Northpole is losing its christmas magic due to children all over the world not believing in Santa and/or the christmas spirit and thus Christmas might be cancelled FOREVER and EVER Uses picking out a Christmas Tree as a metaphor for finding love Evil  developer wanting to tear down cute and charming town park or historical site in order to build condos or other buildings fueled by evil Flirty/romantic ice skating scene A Nutcracker Suite montage with characters doing christmas-y things.  Hallmark has been flooding their channel with advertisements for this movie every  commercial  break, proclaiming loudly and with wild and reckless abandon that Northpole is THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE of the Holiday season. Prior to starting this blog, we had no idea this was the case but Beth must have been subconsciously (and diabolically) taken over by Hallmark as she "accidentally" bought Northp...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Character named Holly and/or some other Christmas derivative Character breaks down/gets lost/ gets trapped with a stranger who could be their soulmate Workaholic boyfriend Character whose parents who showed them the meaning of true love and they could never settle for anything less Flirty/romantic ice skating scene Bosses making their employees go to their extravagant Christmas Eve parties instead of being at home with their families  Christmas proposal    One Starry Christmas  has all of the above and COWBOYS! OMG SPONTANEOUS LINE DANCING AT A CHRISTMAS EVE PARTY!   The Synopsis: An aspiring astronomer (no seriously, an astronomer), who has just written her dissertation on the Cultural Significance of Orion and has a one-dimensional workaholic boyfriend (who chooses jeopardy and a work trip over spending Christmas with her), decides to travel on a rickety bus from Chicago to NewYork and-  surprise, sur...