Hot Frosty

 Holiday Movie Checklist:

• A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene
• A flirty snowball fight
• A flirty cookie or gingerbread decorating scene
• Workaholic woman or man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas
• Unexplainable magical item that imbues people with the holiday spirit and changes lives

Where do you think they hid the carrot??? 

Synopsis:

Yes, dear readers, we have deviated from our beloved Hallmark channel and veered into Netflix Holiday territory! 

Contrary to popular belief, Hot Frosty is not a porn. Thanks to a strategically placed magical scarf and a tragic widow (cue the sad trumpets), our search history has been forever tarnished by Netflix's latest rom-com romp through mounds of fake snow and Christmas cheer. 

The wikipedia description of this cinematic masterpiece is something that I can't really improve upon so I am leaving it below for all of you to enjoy. "On Christmas Eve, the town gathers at the diner. Kathy's speech is interrupted when the sheriff arrests Jack, to everyone's disapproval. The doctor explains that Jack is a snowman and everyone agrees that Christmas is a time for such magic. Sheriff Nate demands a $2,000 bail for Jack's release."  See. Amazing. 

Favorite Line:

"Good things come to you when you're out in the cold, Kathy"

Like what? Frostbite and cannibalism? 

Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

Since the dawn of time Christmas fairy tales have often included the wonder of a snowman coming to life, destined to bring its magic to the right person. Really? Since when? I know this is only the opening line but I'm already annoyed. Besides not believing that fairy tales have their own Christmas sub-genre, I am also pretty there haven't been thousands of movies and books dedicated to different snowmen coming to life. Isn't there just, like, one? And it's Frosty the Fucking Snowman, Netflix.

Kathy's Kafe & Kitchen. KKK. Really, Netflix? Really? 

Poor, tragic widow has a hole in her step, no water and no heat. And apparently Vagina wallpaper on her bedroom walls. That's a choice. 

Hot Frosty is not made of magical snow. He is made of meth and steroids. 

What time period is this supposed to be set in? Based on the cars, it's clearly the 1960's. The sunglasses are stuck in the 80's. The abysmal fashion sense has strong 90's vibes. And according to several appearances by flip phones, we're in the early aughts. When are we???

There must be some studio exec twirling his comically giant mustache because he has major dirt on Craig Robinson and Joe Truglio. That can be the only explanation for them gleefully acting their butts off in this movie. And bursting into song. 

The doctor is ALL in on Jack being a snowman after one measly thermometer reading. I am seriously worried about the healthcare system in Hope Springs. 

I wish all of my physicals consisted only of drawing pictures.

Also, can we focus on the fact that she does not have heat or hot water but she has internet, cable and streaming services? Actually, I guess I would choose Netflix and internet over heat and hot water. Bundle up, bitches! #priorities

"So if you ladies see strangers, do the right thing and report them to my office." So report every one you don't know to the police? This sounds like an efficient way to conduct an investigation.  

He doesn't know what cats are but he knows how to repel a vampire? That makes sense. 

"Your nog is... a fantastic nog." I take it back. Maybe this is a porn. 

Do they cover a snowman's right to life in the Hope Spring's by-laws? 

"You want me to get behind you and push?" Okay, this is definitely a porn. I'm pretty sure Lauren Holly's character just had an orgasm onscreen when Jack McAbbs Snowman pushed her car out of the snow. I feel violated. 

Jack just got a job "doing maintenance" at the middle school. With no background check. Just a decision by a committee of five cougars drinking spiked egg-nog in someone's kitchen at 10:30 in the morning. 

Proving your masculinity by seeing who can stuff more ice in your mouth is the most unique pissing contest I have ever seen in a Holiday movie. 

The first rule about being a snowman is that you don't talk about being a snowman. 

Am I the only one totally creeped out by Kathy starting to fall in love with Jack? Not only is this an interspecies relationship but he's also two days old. Is Kathy a pedo? Is everyone in Hope Springs a pedo? Am I pedo? 

The Hope Springs PD murder board is bedlam and warrants a deeper dive into the psyche of Sheriff Nathaniel Hunter. Thank you, Craig Robinson, for playing this part like an absolute psycho. 

Do all small towns decorate their jails for Christmas? I'm glad the criminal underbelly of Hope Springs gets to enjoy a festive red and green cell while they are incarcerated. 

This "Pretty Woman" glow up montage just gave me anxiety. 

Sheriff Nate's muttered monologue about "being stimulated by the freezing cold of your naked flesh and longing to see the faces of the elderly, horrified by your exposed nether regions" should be shown on a loop in every single acting class across the nation. 

Just like the wiki description, the doctor does indeed explain to the entire town that Jack is a snowman. She does this by saying, "Remember that muscular snowman from the snow sculpture festival?" Everyone accepts this IMMEDIATELY. No questions. No hesitation. Someone yells, "He's different from us!" and another whispers reverently, "It's Christmas." And it's done. Everyone is on board with a magical snowman. 

There's a $2,000 bail for streaking in Hope Springs. That seems excessive. 

How does the doctor know a snowman can't be defibrillated? Was she taught snowman anatomy in med school? 

At this point, Jack should just stay dead. This town is unhealthily obsessed with him. There are some major "Get Out" vibes developing in the crowd right now. 

Conclusion: We would all like a concrete blueprint on how the criminal justice system in Hope Springs works. Because it's meaningless, chaotic and absolutely unhinged.