Marry Me At Christmas
Marry Me at Christmas Tagline:
"Hollywood star Johnny Blake thought he had it all. Until he met the perfect small town sweetheart."
Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
Mega famous actor Johnny Blake, star of the wildly popular Fire's Edge franchise (or so the giant, dilapidated billboard in the beginning of the movie would have us believe), comes to the small town of Fool's Gold to get his little sister, Ginger, married to a creeper named Oliver and to light up the heart of the failing bridal boutique's owner, Maddie Krug. Yes, you've read that correctly. The quaint, charming town in this tale of love and Christmas is called Fool's Gold. We're really trying not to read into what could be a very depressing metaphor for this movie but we're going to anyway. LOVE IS JUST A FANCY PAINTED ROCK. RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALL A GIANT LIE. NEVER TRUST ANYONE. While Maddy and Johnny plan Ginger's wedding, they stroll impossibly slowly down Mainstreet like five times, make wishes for some town tradition that is never fully explained, go to a tree-lighting ceremony where everyone is high out of their minds and deal with dastardly paparazzi and an irritating business partner (Isabelle) trying to meddle in their newfound love. There's also a weird subplot of Johnny maybe wanting to give up acting to be an artist or something?
Johnny: “I never thought it could be like this.”
Maddie: "You know what they say. Life is what you make it."
Deeply profound, guys.
"Hollywood star Johnny Blake thought he had it all. Until he met the perfect small town sweetheart."
Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
- Family or independently owned business hemorrhaging money
- A character whose parents showed her/him the meaning of true love and he/she won't settle for anything less
- Flirty Christmas tree decorating scene
- Flirty snowball fight
- Huge mega star comes to small town for the purpose of "getting away from it all" (See also Christmas in Homestead)
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| EPIC FAIL ON NOT LOOKING HIGH OUT OF YOUR MIND, JOHNNY. |
Synopsis:
Mega famous actor Johnny Blake, star of the wildly popular Fire's Edge franchise (or so the giant, dilapidated billboard in the beginning of the movie would have us believe), comes to the small town of Fool's Gold to get his little sister, Ginger, married to a creeper named Oliver and to light up the heart of the failing bridal boutique's owner, Maddie Krug. Yes, you've read that correctly. The quaint, charming town in this tale of love and Christmas is called Fool's Gold. We're really trying not to read into what could be a very depressing metaphor for this movie but we're going to anyway. LOVE IS JUST A FANCY PAINTED ROCK. RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALL A GIANT LIE. NEVER TRUST ANYONE. While Maddy and Johnny plan Ginger's wedding, they stroll impossibly slowly down Mainstreet like five times, make wishes for some town tradition that is never fully explained, go to a tree-lighting ceremony where everyone is high out of their minds and deal with dastardly paparazzi and an irritating business partner (Isabelle) trying to meddle in their newfound love. There's also a weird subplot of Johnny maybe wanting to give up acting to be an artist or something?
Favorite Line:
Johnny: “I never thought it could be like this.”
Maddie: "You know what they say. Life is what you make it."
Deeply profound, guys.
Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie:
Of course, Maddie's bridal boutique is failing miserably. Why is everyone in the Hallmark movie universe a terrible businessman/woman?
Her partner Isabelle is annoying and slightly cutthroat when it comes to promoting their business. This will probably come up again.
He's a massive movie star and THIS is the restaurant his agent chooses for a meeting? It's trash. It looks like a diner that's hastily thrown together a single's night for losers. Johnny needs to fire his management team.
Ginger is marrying Oliver, of the douche hair and creepy vibe, in less than two weeks and she just wanders into the first bridal shop she sees to try and order a dress by Christmas. Okay, makes sense. That's how all weddings are planned, right? Throw a pin in a map, travel to that town and force the bridal dress shop owner to be your wedding planner.
Maddie and Johnny are writing down their wishes and placing them in an ornate box in the center of town. We think a donation is somehow involved with casting their hopes and dreams into the box. Are they paying the town to make their dreams come true? Is this for charity? Did they just mention the "Make a Wish Foundation?" They must have edited the part out where they explain the town's "Wish" tradition. I honestly don't understand what's happening right now.
Maddie thinks dragging a tree home "is half the fun" of picking a Christmas tree out. In all of my Christmas tree buying years, I have never seen someone drag a tree from a lot home. Never. Go home, Maddie, you're drunk.
Hallmark makes me feel highly inadequate when it comes to my tree decorating abilities.
Johnny Blake is trying to fit in by talking to a random child without his parents at a Christmas party. Either this scene is written excruciatingly awkward on purpose or the writers are trying to tell us that Johnny has a strong pedo vibe.
The tree lighting ceremony in my town is never this nice. Two people show up and one of them is homeless.
Obviously, Johnny is the ONLY choice to play Santa when the resident Santa goes missing.
Sad Child: "I want my daddy to come back, Santa"
Johnny as Santa: "Where is he?"
Sad Child: "He's in heaven."
Whoa, shit just got real. I'm uncomfortable.
Santa should now be able to mock all of the other kids' present requests. "Oh, yeah? I just saw a kid who lost his dad and just wants him back again. But, by all means, ask me for that Barbie."
Real estate must be dirt cheap in Fool's Gold. She owns a failing business and a giant house in the center of town. All homes can be purchased with rocks painted gold.
A specialty candy cane martini date at Jo's bar? That actually doesn't sound terrible.
Hold. On. You can actually see the logo of the real bar underneath the hastily slapped up Jo's Bar sign. Don't they have people that check this? Couldn't they have just printed a larger sign? How long could that have possibly taken?
Johnny's rental house in Fool's Gold has legitimately been in at least three other hallmark movies. We're asking our research department to look into this.
Isabelle just tried to destroy Maddie and Johnny's newfound love by posting pictures of them canoodling on the bridal shop's website. Will Johnny and Maddie reunite just in time for Ginger's wedding? Will Isabelle and Maddie's relationship be destroyed forever? Will their business be torn asunder? Yes, no and no. Because this is a Hallmark movie.
"This is the most beautiful Christmas wedding I've ever seen." Really Isabelle? Because it is HORRIFYING. Maddie has used a wedding theme of dollar general lights, tinsel and randomly strewn rose petals.
Conclusion: Marry Me at Christmas is sure to delight people who wait until the last minute to plan their nuptials, choose a random tiny town in the mountains to have said nuptials in and hire the only bridal boutique within a thousand miles to throw together a Christmas wedding that looks like it was designed from a "Dyslexic Hillbilly Throws a Wedding" Pinterest board.
Of course, Maddie's bridal boutique is failing miserably. Why is everyone in the Hallmark movie universe a terrible businessman/woman?
Her partner Isabelle is annoying and slightly cutthroat when it comes to promoting their business. This will probably come up again.
He's a massive movie star and THIS is the restaurant his agent chooses for a meeting? It's trash. It looks like a diner that's hastily thrown together a single's night for losers. Johnny needs to fire his management team.
Ginger is marrying Oliver, of the douche hair and creepy vibe, in less than two weeks and she just wanders into the first bridal shop she sees to try and order a dress by Christmas. Okay, makes sense. That's how all weddings are planned, right? Throw a pin in a map, travel to that town and force the bridal dress shop owner to be your wedding planner.
Maddie and Johnny are writing down their wishes and placing them in an ornate box in the center of town. We think a donation is somehow involved with casting their hopes and dreams into the box. Are they paying the town to make their dreams come true? Is this for charity? Did they just mention the "Make a Wish Foundation?" They must have edited the part out where they explain the town's "Wish" tradition. I honestly don't understand what's happening right now.
Maddie thinks dragging a tree home "is half the fun" of picking a Christmas tree out. In all of my Christmas tree buying years, I have never seen someone drag a tree from a lot home. Never. Go home, Maddie, you're drunk.
Hallmark makes me feel highly inadequate when it comes to my tree decorating abilities.
Johnny Blake is trying to fit in by talking to a random child without his parents at a Christmas party. Either this scene is written excruciatingly awkward on purpose or the writers are trying to tell us that Johnny has a strong pedo vibe.
The tree lighting ceremony in my town is never this nice. Two people show up and one of them is homeless.
Obviously, Johnny is the ONLY choice to play Santa when the resident Santa goes missing.
Sad Child: "I want my daddy to come back, Santa"
Johnny as Santa: "Where is he?"
Sad Child: "He's in heaven."
Whoa, shit just got real. I'm uncomfortable.
Santa should now be able to mock all of the other kids' present requests. "Oh, yeah? I just saw a kid who lost his dad and just wants him back again. But, by all means, ask me for that Barbie."
Real estate must be dirt cheap in Fool's Gold. She owns a failing business and a giant house in the center of town. All homes can be purchased with rocks painted gold.
A specialty candy cane martini date at Jo's bar? That actually doesn't sound terrible.
Hold. On. You can actually see the logo of the real bar underneath the hastily slapped up Jo's Bar sign. Don't they have people that check this? Couldn't they have just printed a larger sign? How long could that have possibly taken?
 |
| THE SET DECORATOR NEEDS TO BE FIRED. |
Johnny's rental house in Fool's Gold has legitimately been in at least three other hallmark movies. We're asking our research department to look into this.
Isabelle just tried to destroy Maddie and Johnny's newfound love by posting pictures of them canoodling on the bridal shop's website. Will Johnny and Maddie reunite just in time for Ginger's wedding? Will Isabelle and Maddie's relationship be destroyed forever? Will their business be torn asunder? Yes, no and no. Because this is a Hallmark movie.
"This is the most beautiful Christmas wedding I've ever seen." Really Isabelle? Because it is HORRIFYING. Maddie has used a wedding theme of dollar general lights, tinsel and randomly strewn rose petals.
 |
| NO WONDER YOUR BUSINESS IS FAILING, MADDIE. THIS WEDDING IS TRASH. |
Conclusion: Marry Me at Christmas is sure to delight people who wait until the last minute to plan their nuptials, choose a random tiny town in the mountains to have said nuptials in and hire the only bridal boutique within a thousand miles to throw together a Christmas wedding that looks like it was designed from a "Dyslexic Hillbilly Throws a Wedding" Pinterest board.
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