Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

  Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty snowball fight A flirty cookie or gingerbread decorating scene Workaholic woman or man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas Unexplainable magical item that imbues people with the holiday spirit and changes lives Where do you think they hid the carrot???  Synopsis: Yes, dear readers, we have deviated from our beloved Hallmark channel and veered into Netflix Holiday territory!  Contrary to popular belief, Hot Frosty is not a porn. Thanks to a strategically placed magical scarf and a tragic widow (cue the sad trumpets), our search history has been forever tarnished by Netflix's latest rom-com romp through mounds of fake snow and Christmas cheer.  The wikipedia description of this cinematic masterpiece is something that I can't really improve upon so I am leaving it below for all of you to enjoy. "On Christmas Eve, the town gathers at the diner. Kathy's speech is interrupted whe...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Workaholic woman (famous actress this time!) who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas Tragic widower with a young daughter and a heart of gold An uber romantic horse drawn carriage ride through the city/town Features a charming little inn or B&B that is one of the centerpieces of the town and/or is named after some Christmas derivative  A small town whose sole purpose is to celebrate Christmas and/or is named after some Christmas derivative  A flirty ice-skating scene Look! We met our minority quota in our main cast! We are SO with the times.  Synopsis: Jessica McEllis, the biggest actress in, like, all of the world has approximately two days to film what is presumably a low budget Hallmark Christmas movie in a small town that no one has ever heard of but is really super at doing Christmas. But, guys, HUGE foil! Matt,  disgruntled, yet handsome widower/ local inn proprietor/mayor  with a heart...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit A flirty/romantic cookie or gingerbread decorating scene A flirty/romantic tree decorating scene A classic "you have dirt on your face let me wipe it off" moment A charming little town Christmas tradition/festival/event that is the biggest event of the year (Holiday Tour of Homes Charity Event) A Christmas proposal or wedding Do you know what this house needs? More giant pinecones! I'M THE BEST DESIGNER. Synopsis: Interior decorator and obsessed-with-becoming-a-December bride  Layla irrationally blames Seth for the fact that her bitchy cousin stole her fiancee at some weird work function because he was, like, there when they met? Layla's ex-fiancee and cousin apparently speed to the alter and she is scolded by Judgey McJudgerson Aunt Lorraine for not wanting to go to the wedding so Seth magically reappears and offers to be her date so she doesn...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Workaholic woman who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas who has a workaholic, stuffy boyfriend Big looming corporate company that is a threat to small town life and/or will be closing down a local business and/or factory An uber romantic horse drawn carriage ride through the city Features a charming little inn or B&B that is one of the centerpieces of the town and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Gingerbread Inn) A small town whose sole purpose is to celebrate Christmas and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Cookie Jar) A gingerbread house or cookie decorating scene A small town contest, Christmas based, that's the biggest event of the year The handsome factory owner sure knows how to defend the towns honor. And point at stuff.  Synopsis: An evil corporation without a soul, National Foods, is desperate to buy Aunt Sally's Cookie company so they send a bahumbug workaholic single woma...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Cold-never-been-married woman who has a fear of abandonment and no longer believes in the magic of Christmas Someone who is repeatedly referred to as a Scrooge Overly enthusiastic (and frequent) mentions of the Christmas Spirit Features a charming little inn or B&B that is one of the centerpieces of the movie and/or is named after some Christmas derivative A small town whose sole purpose is to celebrate Christmas and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Hollyvale) A gingerbread house or cookie decorating scene Always choose a guy dressed as an elf, ladies. ALWAYS Synopsis: Kate Harper , famous tv host, works awkwardly with her ex-boyfriend Jack on their delightful hit morning show. Things go awry when she pushes an Asian man into a Christmas tree, declares she is meh on Christmas, and garners the anger of a thousand green-and-red-poster carrying protestors. In order to win back the love of the public and find her darn Ch...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Character named Holly and/or some other Christmas derivative Character breaks down/gets lost/ gets trapped with a stranger who could be their soulmate Workaholic boyfriend Character whose parents who showed them the meaning of true love and they could never settle for anything less Flirty/romantic ice skating scene Bosses making their employees go to their extravagant Christmas Eve parties instead of being at home with their families  Christmas proposal    One Starry Christmas  has all of the above and COWBOYS! OMG SPONTANEOUS LINE DANCING AT A CHRISTMAS EVE PARTY!   The Synopsis: An aspiring astronomer (no seriously, an astronomer), who has just written her dissertation on the Cultural Significance of Orion and has a one-dimensional workaholic boyfriend (who chooses jeopardy and a work trip over spending Christmas with her), decides to travel on a rickety bus from Chicago to NewYork and-  surprise, sur...

Dear Readers, We assure you that this blog comes from a place of love and a place of undying respect for the Hallmark Christmas movie script writers. Okay, it may also have something to do with our deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy over our family never having played one game of touch football during the holidays. The Hallmark Families ALWAYS play a rousing, charmingly competitive game filled with laughter, shenanigans, and robust men. If our family played such a whimsical game, it would probably look more like a scene from The Walking Dead  (just look at the flowers, Lizzie) than a Hallmark movie . But we digress. Having cast aside our shattered dreams of one day writing a Hallmark Christmas movie of our very own, we have settled (over many, many text messages and several gallons of wine) for writing reviews about these heart-warming, cozying-up-next-to-a-fire-on-a-sunday-with-hot-cocoa movies. What do these reviews entail? Hallmark premiered its first Holiday movi...