The Nine Kittens of Christmas

 Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:

• Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit
• Phone call or conversation that is overheard, misinterpreted, forcing character to leave true love behind
• Uses picking out a Christmas tree as a metaphor for finding love
• A Christmas music montage with characters doing Christmas-y things
• Workaholic woman who no longer believes in love or the magic of Christmas

This is NOT the sequel I was hoping to get. - Brandon Routh

Synopsis:

Disclaimer: The only reason why we chose to review this movie is because Beth and I wrote a review about the original move, The Nine Lives of Christmas, back when this blog was in its infancy with zero readers. I apologize to the friends I made sit through the sequel as I don't think any amount of alcohol helped us make sense of the plot. Zachary is still a lifelong bachelor/firefighter/contractor house flipper (we are STILL confused on how he manages to do both, but whatevs) and Marilee is now a workaholic veterinarian with her own practice in Miami. Will these two opposites find their way back to each other when Marilee goes back to Oregon for Christmas and has to help Zachary find homes for adorable, little abandoned kittens? Or will we just get an entire movie about concerned surrogate father Gregory Harrison? PLEASE LET IT BE HARRISON. PLEASE LET IT BE HARRISON. 

Favorite Line:

Zachary: (in reference to a cat, we hope.) "I'm 8 inches tall but I tell people I'm 9." 

Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

Wait. She left Oregon and moved to Miami because that was the ONLY place that had the opportunity for her to become a vet? She left her sister (who she raised when her parents died tragically), all of her friends AND her boyfriend for Miami? There were literally NO other jobs for vets in Oregon? I live in NJ and there are like 2938209389 vets here in a ten mile radius.

Who takes a cat on vacation? Or to work? Has anyone involved in this movie actually owned a cat? I swear these people don't know how cats work. 

How long have they been taking pictures with Santa? They arrived at like 9:00am for the festival and it's now midnight. They have monopolized Santa's schedule all day. Who cares about all of the orphans waiting in line to see Santa? They can go home with their Christmas dreams dashed because this family really needed to perfect a TikTok.  

I don't know what this dead mom advent calendar subplot is and how it fits into the "will Marilee and Zachary get back together and find homes for nine kittens" thing. 

It's, like, three days before Christmas and you don't know what you are getting your daughter? You're a monster. 

I bet you $5,000 that the ambitious boyfriend Marilee just broke up with will return at the very end of the movie and foil Zachary's plans to win Marilee back. 

Hallmark has taught me that you abandon children at churches and kittens at firehouses.

NO! We must not let him see the GIANT tubs of single girl ice cream in your cart, Marilee!
Kick that cart away, giiiiirl. 

How is a box of kittens a firehouse emergency? What do these firefighters do all day that they can just drop everything to ensure that all nine kittens are adopted by Christmas? They ignored the five alarm fire that decimated a neighborhood and left 12 people dead but at least they found 9 kittens homes before Christmas. I feel like I should report this to the town.

Brandon Routh spends half this movie roaming the streets with a box of kittens. I'm actually fine with that. 

Who knew wrapping Christmas presents could be brimming with sexual tension? I hope I can get me some triangle fold next week too, Marilee. 

There is not enough Gregory Harrison in this movie. I need his sage advice on relationships and his jokes about "upgrading his stocking."  

Our favorite scenes are any in which Brandon Routh inappropriately strokes a cat:

Where did Zachary get a printer to print a banner that is big enough to cover the entire length of a fire truck this close to Christmas? This town doesn't even have a vet. I doubt it has a Kinkos. 

Granted, I'm not a firefighter but I'm pretty sure the departing Chief doesn't get to randomly choose his replacement at his impromptu retirement party without an approval process or additional certification or an application. Maybe it's just the power of Gregory Harrison. He wills it and it is done. 

Annnnnd, yup, ambitious boyfriend comes back to foil our almost-reunited lovers! But, alas, their love is just too darn strong.

What? You can't adopt a pet with someone you got back together with four minutes ago! That's a terrible idea. 

Conclusion: The moral of this movie is to find a man and then change him.