The Christmas Contest

 Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:

• Workaholic woman who no longer believes in love or the magic of Christmas
• A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year
• A Christmas music montage with characters doing Christmasy things

This movie should have been about Bill aka Rebel Without a Claus and Contestant #4. Everyone else is a straight up monster. 

Synopsis:

What would our Hallmark Christmas review blog be without at least one movie with Candace Cameron Bure? Yet again, Hallmark urges us all to get back together with our exes during Christmas time even when the relationship was incredibly toxic.  This time getting back together with your ex is easy when he is a former MLB MVP who aggressively peddles sub-par jerky. All you need to do is compete against him in a cutthroat Christmas Competition to win money for a charity that you don't actually care about! Watch sparks fly as exes Lara and Ben square off to see which one of them is the least sympathetic, most detestable person in this movie!

Favorite Line:

Ben: Unless you're the lead dog, the scene doesn't change. 

Wtf does that even mean, Ben?

Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

Untangling Christmas lights was her favorite job as a child and she only grew out of it a few years ago? That's both sad and annoying.

I don't think Hyper Competitive Card Sharking is a thing, Hallmark. 

Her mom runs a failing senior center that can't even afford to fix cabinet knobs. I believe this information will come in handy later. 

I hate to break it to you but Christmas does not magically tell you the meaning of life. Although clearly, Hallmark thinks that the true meaning of Christmas is everyone one-upping each other and generally being terrible.

Daytime Denver sounds like a dreadful tv show. Their Christmas Meets Competition thing makes zero sense. 

Did Ben just salute a poster of himself as he entered the gym? Yup. This guy is kind of a douche. Scratch that. He just completely forgot about the at-risk youth program he is supposed to run. He is now a full on douche. Even his grandmother seems to hate him. 

Lara isn't really faring any better. Her moral compass also seems like it was smashed to pieces by a disgruntled elf. 

I love Bill, the biker and "Rebel Without a Claus". He should win the competition and this movie and life. 

One of Ben's favorite hobbies is "Lending his good name to worthy causes." THAT YOU FORGET ABOUT BEN. This guy is a trash bag.

The talk show host just called out both of them for being jerks on tv. Well, done. He must want to kick these two in the teeth.

I don't care about Lara or Ben's confessional. I want to hear Bill's. He is the only interesting person in this movie. 

Her mom's kind of awful too- she is devious, competitive and wants to skewer Ben. I mean, we all do, but she is especially savage. 

Beth: His co-worker despises working for him. And that kid had a TERRIBLE swing.

Laura: Did he even play baseball? I don't think he did. Also he just left his assistant in charge again. 

Beth: I think he lied about being an MLB star. 

Laura: He gives zero fucks about these kids.

Posing like grinning idiots, the ladies of the Sleigh the Competition team suddenly and inexplicably forget what a video camera does.  

I don't know about you but I ALWAYS bake in stilettos and a green silk cocktail dress. The baking part of this competition is going to go horribly awry. 

"My dessert will rise like a Phoenix from your sugary ashes!" I think those sky high stilettos are making you hangry, Lara. 

Doing one nice thing for the person that raised you, Ben, does not cancel out the fact that you are human garbage.

They touted Lara like she is some workaholic, uber successful hero COO. She has done zero work for this job. Did she take off the entire month of December?

I think Candace Cameron Bure stays that skinny because she feeds on the souls of all the widowed Hallmark dads with precocious daughters.  

I really hate this guy. Even when he is being nice, he sounds like filth. His line readings vary from smarmy to smarmier. 

Ben: "Despite the life of team sports, I'm a lone wolf at heart." The. Literal. Worst. 

These two should be alone for the rest of their lives. 

I'm totally buying the fact that it takes 45 minutes to bake this GARGANTUAN Yule Log.
Aren't you? 

Is his Christmas epiphany that he is actually a revolting person? 

The dancing part of this competition is like a horror show. 

Beth: What is this nightmare dance?

Laura: Did one of the dancers just do the wave during Jingle Bells? 

Beth: Was this choreographed by a toddler?

Laura: I don't understand any of this. They are celebrating like this is the best dance that has ever been danced. 

Beth: Someone thought his kids were ringers? Were they watching the same thing we did???

How in god's name did we get robbed of Bill's dance? I bet he is playing for world peace. #TEAMBILL #BILLSHOULDHAVEWON #BILLNEEDSHISOWNHALLMARKMOVIE

I am NOT rooting for this couple. 

Of course she doesn't want to pick up her office phone, she hasn't been there in weeks and is probably fired. I hope she goes home and they have packed up her office and left everything at her front door. 

I HATE that the untangling of the Christmas lights is, like, a theme or something.

Wait did Ben just say that his grandma used the massage gun as a plunger? How is that even possible? What is wrong with these people? 

Ben has decided to turn the youth program he never bothers to show up at into a year round non-profit. That's next level bonkers and will fail miserably due to his appalling work ethic. 

"Let's burn some bridges and let the flames light the way!" This mantra is supposed to be empowering but all we are left with is "WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK." 

I may not know many things but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't tell your current boss that you want to burn down any bridges. Even the metaphorical ones. 

Laura: Neither of them deserve to win the Christmas Contest. The senior center should shut down and his non-profit should never open. 

Beth: I want both of them to get on a bridge and then we light it on fire. 

Laura: That would be the best ending to a Hallmark Christmas movie ever. 

Beth: I would watch that ending on repeat. 

Laura: I blacked out during her meaning of Christmas speech.  What did she say?

Beth: Blah blah blah Christmas Spirit blah blah blah something about moments of change blah blah blah

Conclusion:  Remember kids, you too can be a garbage person, treat everyone like steaming trash while being incredibly lazy at your job and experience zero negative consequences for your actions. In fact, you may even win 25k to the charity of your choice.