Christmas with the Darlings

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:

• A flirty cookie decorating/baking scene
• A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene
• A flirty horse-drawn carriage ride scene
• Christmas Eve party that everyone attends instead of being at home with their families

Let's all clap at the fact that our homemade decorations will poison the wildlife in our backyard. 

Synopsis:

Jess, an over-worked assistant for Charles Darlington, offers to watch Charles' orphaned nieces and nephew when she finds out that no one else in the Darlington family cares about them and would rather see the poor kids languish away in a Connecticut boarding school. Will Max, the irresponsible youngest brother, figure out that what he really wants is actually right here under his nose? Or will someone murder Charles for being a cold-blooded automaton who delights in making orphans cry? 

Favorite Line:

Max: "I like pinecones. Pinecones are fun." 

Max totally ate paste as a child. 

Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

Why is this movie called "Christmas with the Darlings"? The family's name is Darlington. Shouldn't it be Christmas with the Darlingtons? I hate this movie already.

Are they going to explain what the Darlington Company does? Or keep it as vague as possible so that we don't question what the "big deals" are or what "expanding overseas" means. Who cares about details or plot anyway?

Nothing says lack of responsibility like snowboarding.  Oh, Max, you rich, risk-taking privileged white dude, you. 

Charles' driver looks exactly like Lurch. 

They just made a big deal about the tree being tall and thin. Is Hallmark fat-shaming our Christmas trees? 

If your brother and his wife die and you suddenly have joint-custody of their three children with your other brother, is sending them to an empty boarding school alone OVER CHRISTMAS really the only thing that makes sense? These people are trash. 

How is Jess not horrified by their hideous treatment of the three orphans? Why in god's name would she still work for them after finding this out? 

Also, Paden Academy has a crap website. No way is this the best boarding school in the Northeast. This "boarding school" is clearly a child trafficking scam. 

They aren't even inviting the children to their company Christmas party? GARBAGE HUMANS. 

Hey, Max, you may want to check more than one room before freaking out and declaring all three kids lost. 

How is Max the president of the Darlington Company? He does nothing but ski and try and get his friends to ditch their wives to go to Whistler. At least he isn't Charles, I guess? The heartless robot who wants nothing to do with his dead brother's kids. 

Jessica makes lists! Look how responsible she is. 

This dancing gingerbread man at the Christmas market looks like the stuff of nightmares.

Come on kids! Look into my dead eyes and tell Mr. Gingerbread Man what you want for Christmas. 

I still can't figure out what the Darlington company does. But apparently, they are courting the CEO of a motor company. To what end? We'll never fucking know. 

Jessica's an orphan too! Are everyone's parents dead in this movie? That doesn't bode well. 

"You should do the right thing because it's the right thing to do- not to brag about it." Oh, Max, you are so wise in the ways of the world. Too bad, you're a crap uncle who cared nothing about his brother's dead kids until now. 

I'm all for a romantic Jess/Max scene over grilled cheese but they are both eating their sandwiches like they have never eaten or even seen a sandwich before in their lives. 

Mr. Lee wants The Darlington Company to partner with him in a joint venture in Taiwan. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 

Of course, Max has to leave for Taiwan before Christmas. This vague joint venture/partnership waits for no man. NOT EVEN SANTA.

Max doesn't even get a driver to take him to the airport. Can't Charles lend Max Lurch for the day? NOPE. Charles doesn't just hate the orphans; he hates his entire family. 

Jessica tells Charles that the kids shouldn't go to boarding school and that she'll watch them instead. He shrugs and is like "sure, why not?" It was that easy? Why couldn't Jess have asked this at the beginning of the movie so that we didn't have to watch two hours of Charles torturing these pitiful kids?

Conclusion: After being so callously discarded by their soulless Uncle Charles, these children will most likely become serial killers who skin people alive and make them into Christmas ornaments. Happy Holidays, orphans!