In the Key of Love
Yes, dear readers, Beth and I are back! I am sure you missed us desperately. Get ready for "Love in the Time of Quarantine", a special edition of our wildly popular Hallmark Christmas Movie Review Blog. We'll be stepping out of the Christmas Craze and watching some of Hallmark's latest "Spring Fling" movies. While we are all stuck home in fuzzy slippers, guzzling down alcohol until they shut down the liquor stores, we hope this brings you comfort when the wine and the excitement of seeing faces over Zoom wear off.
Synopsis:
On Piedmont Island where the only industry or form of commerce revolves around weddings or ferry boat maintenance, photographer Maggie works for her Grandma's wedding planning business because her music career (along with her relationship) went down in flames years ago. Somehow, even though she is involved with all levels of her grandmother's business, she misses the fact that her ex-boyfriend/ex-singing partner is the brother of the bride at their next wedding. She is, like, TOTALLY SHOCKED when Luke walks off the ferry boat and into her awaiting, yet stubborn arms. Will they revitalize their terrible music careers and their love story or will they choose to live empty, meaningless lives quarantined alone? STAY TUNED!
Favorite Line:
Maggie: The pressure of being a singing duo and couple was just TOO much. Ugh, I hate you and your wistful sigh, Maggie.
Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie:
This town is obsessed with its ferry- their entire lives revolve around this thing. One guy's entire job is to greet the ferry every time it docks. We should drink every time they mention how amazing it is. Nope, we shouldn't. They've mentioned it 679 times in the first few minutes of this movie. It better be the damn Concord of ferry boats.
NOPE. IT IS NOT. This is infuriating. The ferry is utter trash.
The mayor is also the tour guide of the island's tram system. He keeps aggressively doling out "fun facts" to the wedding party and inviting them to his house for his world-famous cookies and a tour of his award-winning garden. Maybe he plans to murder them all.
Fun Fact Mayor of Piedmont: Fun facts are rarely fun.
Oh, good- a meaningless subplot where Maggie's best friend longs to be her grandmother's business partner.
Yes, Hallmark. Selfies with a 19th-century victrola ARE what EVERY bride wants.
Where are the bride's parents? Where are Maggie's parents?
This place must be hell for single people. Also hell for couples. It's just hell, actually.
Laura: "You have really good pitch. You must be a singer." Worst pick up line ever.
Beth: I think that line is actually used by people trying to pick you up and sell you into white slavery.
Laura: This bridesmaid is trashed again. She's weeping with a solo cup in her hand.
Beth: Maybe people will take her wine and throw it in her face to get her to stop talking. I know I would.
I have been in ten weddings and we have never once fucking played Wedding Pictionary.
We don't like anyone in this movie.
Why would an album producer/mixer who only works in the studio get invited to "supervise a world tour?" Granted, I know nothing about the music industry but that makes zero sense.
Foreshadowing: Tour moves up and ex-boyfriend must leave the wedding before reconciling with Maggie the annoying photographer.
There have been zero mentions of anyone's parents in this movie. Besides Maggie's grandma and the mayor, there was only one other person over 60 on this island. Where have all the boomers gone?
This is the longest wedding in the history of weddings. Itinerary:
Day 1) Ferry Rides
Day 2) Tram and Fun Facts with the Mayor.
Day 3) Cappuccino Tasting.
Day 4) Salsa Dance Classes.
Day 5) Cookies at the Mayor's House.
Day 6) Wedding Pictionary.
Day 17) Bonfire at the Lake.
Day 21) Smelling Flowers and Cake Tasting.
Day 34) Signing Shells on the Beach. No, really. This is actually what they did.
Day 59) Sacrificing Virgins to the Piedmont Ferry God.
Day 1,467) FINALLY THE FUCKING WEDDING!
Que the sad montage of Maggie looking through her ex's photos after spending the past 1,466 days with him preparing for his sister's wedding...
On an island with only one ferry that runs only once a day, surely someone must have their own boat to get to the mainland. Guess not. How do they get their Whole Food or Insta Cart deliveries? This island was not built for a pandemic.
Please don't reconcile while singing your lame song at this wedding. UGH. Colby & Case are the literal worst.
Conclusion: No one has any parents because they all died in a tragic bridge collapse, which is why the only mode of transportation is a ferry.
 |
| Let's all point at the camera. That will show the audience that we really ARE taking pictures. |
Synopsis:
On Piedmont Island where the only industry or form of commerce revolves around weddings or ferry boat maintenance, photographer Maggie works for her Grandma's wedding planning business because her music career (along with her relationship) went down in flames years ago. Somehow, even though she is involved with all levels of her grandmother's business, she misses the fact that her ex-boyfriend/ex-singing partner is the brother of the bride at their next wedding. She is, like, TOTALLY SHOCKED when Luke walks off the ferry boat and into her awaiting, yet stubborn arms. Will they revitalize their terrible music careers and their love story or will they choose to live empty, meaningless lives quarantined alone? STAY TUNED!
Favorite Line:
Maggie: The pressure of being a singing duo and couple was just TOO much. Ugh, I hate you and your wistful sigh, Maggie.
Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie:
This town is obsessed with its ferry- their entire lives revolve around this thing. One guy's entire job is to greet the ferry every time it docks. We should drink every time they mention how amazing it is. Nope, we shouldn't. They've mentioned it 679 times in the first few minutes of this movie. It better be the damn Concord of ferry boats.
NOPE. IT IS NOT. This is infuriating. The ferry is utter trash.
 |
| Welcome to the Garbage Ferry. We only shuttle garbage people back and forth from this garbage island for garbage weddings. |
Fun Fact Mayor of Piedmont: Fun facts are rarely fun.
Oh, good- a meaningless subplot where Maggie's best friend longs to be her grandmother's business partner.
Yes, Hallmark. Selfies with a 19th-century victrola ARE what EVERY bride wants.
Where are the bride's parents? Where are Maggie's parents?
This place must be hell for single people. Also hell for couples. It's just hell, actually.
Laura: "You have really good pitch. You must be a singer." Worst pick up line ever.
Beth: I think that line is actually used by people trying to pick you up and sell you into white slavery.
Laura: This bridesmaid is trashed again. She's weeping with a solo cup in her hand.
Beth: Maybe people will take her wine and throw it in her face to get her to stop talking. I know I would.
 |
| This Solo cup holds all of the souls of the other bridesmaids that have come before me. |
I have been in ten weddings and we have never once fucking played Wedding Pictionary.
We don't like anyone in this movie.
Why would an album producer/mixer who only works in the studio get invited to "supervise a world tour?" Granted, I know nothing about the music industry but that makes zero sense.
Foreshadowing: Tour moves up and ex-boyfriend must leave the wedding before reconciling with Maggie the annoying photographer.
There have been zero mentions of anyone's parents in this movie. Besides Maggie's grandma and the mayor, there was only one other person over 60 on this island. Where have all the boomers gone?
This is the longest wedding in the history of weddings. Itinerary:
Day 1) Ferry Rides
Day 2) Tram and Fun Facts with the Mayor.
Day 3) Cappuccino Tasting.
Day 4) Salsa Dance Classes.
Day 5) Cookies at the Mayor's House.
Day 6) Wedding Pictionary.
Day 17) Bonfire at the Lake.
Day 21) Smelling Flowers and Cake Tasting.
Day 34) Signing Shells on the Beach. No, really. This is actually what they did.
Day 59) Sacrificing Virgins to the Piedmont Ferry God.
Day 1,467) FINALLY THE FUCKING WEDDING!
Que the sad montage of Maggie looking through her ex's photos after spending the past 1,466 days with him preparing for his sister's wedding...
 |
| Who writes this kind of memory on the back of a stock photo of their album cover??? UGH. |
Please don't reconcile while singing your lame song at this wedding. UGH. Colby & Case are the literal worst.
Conclusion: No one has any parents because they all died in a tragic bridge collapse, which is why the only mode of transportation is a ferry.
HAHAHAHAHA! You guys are the BEST! I love me some Hallmark movies and I love making fun of them, too.
ReplyDeleteCan you please give more drinking prompts for each movie? I have an excellent Hallmark Christmas drinking game, stolen off the internet and added to with my vast experience of watching Hallmark Christmas movies. I need a a drinking game for non-Christmas Hallmark movies.
Hi! I'm glad you're enjoying the blog! Usually, the checklist at the beginning is where we play the drinking game but we forewent the checklist this time around. But maybe we'll add something fun to the next blog. :)
DeleteI just discovered your blog and am loving it! HM must think we are really gullible or desperate. Thanks so much!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for checking us out! We are coming out with new content soon!
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