A Cozy Christmas Inn

 Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:

• A flirty cookie decorating/baking scene
• Inn or B&B named after some sort of Christmas derivative 
• Workaholic woman who has to push a big deal through by Christmas Day
• A character who may or may not be the REAL Santa

I am not sure what kind of wardrobe malfunction causes this but it is bonkers. 

Synopsis:

A workaholic, big-city real estate executive travels to Alaska to buy a bed-and-breakfast because, of course, it absolutely HAS to be purchased BY Christmas Day, only to discover it is, of course, owned by her ex-boyfriend, Andy. We already have SO many thoughts on this movie from the description alone, however, we must disclose the fact that this is a sequel to Christmas Under Wraps, starring former Hallmark star Candace Cameron Bure. Did we mention CCB also played a big-city, workaholic woman? Did we also mention that TV's Stephanie Tanner, Jodie Sweetin, now plays the new love interest and erases all trace of CCB's character who gave up the frenetic pace of the big city to enjoy small town life in Garland at the end of the first movie? 

Guys, it's so meta- we just can't even. 

Favorite Line:

Erika: Who would have thought my city-dwelling architect would blossom into a small town mountain man?

We did, Erika. Because he's been there at least since 2014. When he was romancing your tv sister.   

Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

"What's your professional Christmas wish?" Do people have professional Christmas wishes? Is that a sub-genre of wishes that people make now? 

Relying on Christmas magic is ALWAYS a solid business decision when you are struggling to make your end of year numbers. 

Is Santa trying to sell his son's inn out from under him? I have never seen this ruthless side of Santa before. I'm titillated. 

Has the inn been open for five years or a five weeks? This timeline is very confusing. 

Let's rank Hattie's Christmas Menu on a scale from 1 to 5! 5 being the most likely to give you food poisoning and 1 being you're just going to suffer from light digestive issues. 

• Cocoa Cornbread Stuffing  (1 if it's meatless, 5 if it has meat.)
• Yam and Fruitcake Casserole (3.5 for the carbs alone!)
•  Pork Belly Braised in Egg-Nog  (Beth and I are divided on this one. What do you think?)

When your dad is Santa and owns the biggest shipping company in Alaska, it shouldn't take you five years to open a cozy Christmas Inn. I'm sure Santa can take care of any commercial zoning issues. 

Why do people in movies never mention the actual figure they are offering to the seller? Why can't we see the slip of paper they are handed? I want to know how much a cozy Christmas Inn in the middle of Alaska goes for, dammit. 

This entire town is utter crap at keeping their Santa a secret. 

In six days, she is going to launch a marketing campaign that will single handedly save the inn. Sure, that's how fast marketing campaigns work. 

Laura: He built a multi-million dollar observatory because he was depressed over a break-up?

Beth: Wouldn't a hair cut have been a more proportionate response?

Laura: Maybe this is why your inn is already bankrupt, Andy. You spent millions of dollars on an observatory that serves no purpose and no one uses.

Andy "never thought about making the inn all about Christmas'?? YOUR DAD IS FUCKING SANTA, ANDY. 

Please explain how a coffee shop can solve the inn's hemorrhaging money problems. 

How is she not fired? She's been ignoring her boss' calls for, like, five days. 

Please explain how one party on Christmas Eve can solve the inn's hemorrhaging money problems. 

In December, Alaska gets between four and six hours of daylight. But Garland seems to get about 22ish. #Christmasmagic. 

Let's recap: Candace Cameron Bure leaves Hallmark to go to GAF, amid a flurry of bigoted comments. Hallmark breaks up a couple in one of their earlier movies and 1/2 of this couple was played by Candace Cameron Bure. Hallmark casts her former tv sister to play his new love interest who is essentially a blueprint of CCB's 2014 character. They make digs about CCB by having Andy say things like "she couldn't commit long-term to Garland." Both movies end with the same line of dialogue.  

Conclusion: This movie is a giant bitch slap to the face of Candace Cameron Bure. AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT.