Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

You're Bacon Me Crazy It's time to compare our budding relationship to these over-ripe persimmons! Because, why wouldn't we?   Synopsis: Cleo  is a stuck-up food truck owner who hates sit-down restaurants, has a horrifying fake Italian accent and is dying to win Portland's "City of Roses: Food Truck Competition". No really, guys. That's the name of the competition.  Sam  is a bacon-loving rival food truck owner who just can't seem to stay in one place for very long.  Will competing for the title of Lamest Food Truck in the Greater Portland area halt their burgeoning love story or will bacon have the power to bring them together? Let's be honest, the only reason why we are watching this movie is because it has BACON in the title. Favorite Line: Norma:  What may I ask is the sauce made from? Cleo:  LOVE. VOMIT. Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: Cleo's quirky! She rides a moped!  Sam's listening to ro...

Yes, dear readers, Beth and I are back! I am sure you missed us desperately. Get ready for "Love in the Time of Quarantine",  a special edition of our wildly popular Hallmark Christmas Movie Review Blog. We'll be stepping out of the Christmas Craze and watching some of Hallmark's latest "Spring Fling" movies.  While we are all stuck home in fuzzy slippers, guzzling down alcohol until they shut down the liquor stores, we hope this brings you comfort when the wine and the excitement of seeing faces over Zoom wear off. In The Key of Love Let's all point at the camera. That will show the audience that we really ARE taking pictures.  Synopsis: On Piedmont Island where the only industry or form of commerce revolves around weddings or ferry boat maintenance, photographer Maggie works for her Grandma's wedding planning business because her music career (along with her relationship) went down in flames years ago. Somehow, even though she is invo...

Hallmark Tagline: "Tis the season to believe that shoes are a girl's best friend."  UGH.  Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty horse-drawn carriage ride through the city  A flirty cookie-making scene.  Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit  Character named after some sort of Christmas derivative (Noelle)  Workaholic woman who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas  Guardian angel that imbues people with the “Holiday Spirit” and changes lives  This Hallmark Holiday movie review was written by the ever delightful,Virginia Rohan. Not only are we grateful that a published writer has agreed to be a part of our little blog but we also think she is far too nice to be writing these.  ;)  I always pose for pics with a stranger when I get locked in a department store overnight. Synopsis: Noelle used to love Christmas, but these days, the only holiday element that still exci...

Hallmark Tagline: "Darcy Fitzwilliam thought she had it all. But this Christmas, she'll find out what she's been missing." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A small-town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Phone call or conversation that is overheard and misinterpreted, forcing a character to leave true love behind Under the mistletoe make-out scene "At least I'm not playing another baker in this movie." - Lacey Chabert, 2018 Synopsis: We didn't think Hallmark could bring even more shame upon "Pride and Prejudice" but, alas, we underestimated their power to blatantly disregard the exceptional plot of Jane Austin's magnum opus. In a shocking twist of literary hijinx, Darcy Fitzwilliam is actually a GIRL. A girl investment banker with her OWN fir...

Hallmark Tagline: "There's no place like home- especially Elvis' home." No. Just no. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty snowball fight A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty cookie or gingerbread decoration scene A flirty ice skating scene Big, looming corporation that threatens to either build some sort of development on precious town land or close down a treasured local business by Christmas Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Fancy running into you here at Graceland, ex-boyfriend from 3rd grade.  Synopsis: Laurel is the VP of some sort of Chicago based company that has no clear purpose except for buying beloved local banks by Christmas Eve. While on a business trip to Memphis, she closes no deals but she does prance around Graceland with her precocious daughter and her concert promoting ex-boyfriend, Clay .  Handsome, rice crispy baking Clay is great with kids, throws Christmas Eve concerts an...

"It's Christmas, Eve" tagline: "This Christmas, unfinished business becomes the greatest gift she never expected." We still don't know what her unfinished business was. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit A character named after some sort of Christmas derivative Workaholic woman or man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene Character rediscovers her/his love of Christmas through singing A bitch fight over a Christmas tree leads to love.  Synopsis: An interim superintendent, Eve Morgan , is hired 10 days before Christmas to make massive budget cuts for the school district of Franklin without oversight, public voting or state approval. Coincidently, Franklin is also her hometown! What are the odds?! While not doing any actual work for this position, Eve falls in love with a single father who teaches music at the school she i...

Fios Description of Christmas at Pemberley Manor: A rich man falls back in love with Christmas and a party planner. We wanted to include the tagline here, as in previous blog posts, but we couldn't find one and chose the grammatically incorrect Fios description instead. You're welcome. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year  Workaholic woman or man who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A man who may or may not be the REAL Santa Big, looming corporation that is a threat to small-town life because they want to either build some sort of development on precious town land or close down a treasured local business and/or factory by Christmas Those pink knitted reindeer things will haunt my dreams. Synopsis: Hallmark kicks off their holiday season by re-telling one of the most epic love stories in literary history. Wh...