Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

Coming Home for Christmas  tagline:  "Danica McKellar is decking the halls and Neil Bledsoe could really use some holiday spirit. But it may be working a little too well." I don't even know what this means. Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Character who is so completely obsessed with Christmas that he/she beats everyone around them into submission, eventually infusing them with "The Holiday Spirit" A flirty snowball fight Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit Character named after some sort of Christmas derivative Extravagant Christmas Eve party that everyone attends instead of being at home with their families Down on her luck girl loses her job right before Christmas  I don't know about you but I spend EVERY Christmas Eve in a ball gown, trying to choose between two men.  Synopsis: This movie is like Pride and Prejudice met The Christmas Carol and had a bastard child named A Crown for Christmas , whic...

The Sweetest Christmas  tagline:  "Hallmark Channel is serving up the perfect holiday treat. Now she'll need a little help to make her sweetest dreams come true." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A flirty Christmas tree decorating scene A flirty snowball fight A handsome/beautiful single father/mother who runs their family business due to personal tragedy A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year (THE American Gingerbread Competition, bitches!)  My favorite part of this picture is the guy behind the curtain who is clapping to no one.  Synopsis: Kylie, who gave up her dream of becoming a chef for reasons that don't make much sense, works for her not-quite-right-for-her boyfriend's company Hockey Homes. Over a romantic dinner at her ex-boyfriend  Nick's restaurant, Alex decides to ask Kylie to be his... office manager. Confused? Yeah, we were too. Because it's totally norm...

Christmas Festival of Ice  tagline:  "The law may be her calling but it's ice sculpting that truly melts her heart." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: A character whose parents showed her/him the meaning of true love and he/she won't settle for anything less A handsome/beautiful, single man or woman who runs their family Christmas tree lot and/or farm A small town Christmas tradition/festival/competition that is the biggest event of the year (The Westford Ice Sculpting Competition!)  Please glance longingly at my hammer. Synopsis: Emma just got out of law school, which she was pretty meh about, and is a terrible employee at her mom's law office in the small town of Westford. When the town's ice sculpting competition is threatened by a disappearing town budget and an incompetent councilman, the lure of shaving ice into a reindeer head becomes too strong for Emma and she is whipped into a chipping fever! Enter kindly, handsome single Chri...

  Marry Me at Christmas  Tagline:  "Hollywood star Johnny Blake thought he had it all. Until he met the perfect small town sweetheart." Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Family or independently owned business hemorrhaging money A character whose parents showed her/him the meaning of true love and he/she won't settle for anything less Flirty Christmas tree decorating scene Flirty snowball fight Huge mega star comes to small town for the purpose of "getting away from it all" (See also Christmas in Homestead )  EPIC FAIL ON NOT LOOKING HIGH OUT OF YOUR MIND, JOHNNY. Synopsis: Mega famous actor Johnny Blake , star of the wildly popular Fire's Edge franchise (or so the giant, dilapidated billboard in the beginning of the movie would have us believe), comes to the small town of Fool's Gold to get his little sister, Ginger, married to a creeper named Oliver and to light up the heart of the failing bridal boutique's owner, Ma...