Sunday, November 20, 2016

Every Christmas Has A Story

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
  • Cold-never-been-married woman who has a fear of abandonment and no longer believes in the magic of Christmas
  • Someone who is repeatedly referred to as a Scrooge
  • Overly enthusiastic (and frequent) mentions of the Christmas Spirit
  • Features a charming little inn or B&B that is one of the centerpieces of the movie and/or is named after some Christmas derivative
  • A small town whose sole purpose is to celebrate Christmas and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Hollyvale)
  • A gingerbread house or cookie decorating scene
Always choose a guy dressed as an elf, ladies. ALWAYS
Synopsis:

Kate Harper, famous tv host, works awkwardly with her ex-boyfriend Jack on their delightful hit morning show. Things go awry when she pushes an Asian man into a Christmas tree, declares she is meh on Christmas, and garners the anger of a thousand green-and-red-poster carrying protestors. In order to win back the love of the public and find her darn Christmas Spirit, she is sent to the small failing town of Hollyvale with her blue-eyed-still-desperately-in-love-with-her ex. Why is the "biggest little Christmas town in the country" in a drastic economic downturn? Are child labor laws being violated because there is an underage girl managing the only inn in Hollyvale? And will Kate and Jack finally be able to put aside their differences to find out why no one in North Dakota wears a real winter coat even though it is minus 10 degrees?

If you are dying for the answers to these questions and more, you must watch Every Christmas Has a Story right now!


Favorite Line: 

Mayor: "I don't know. We might just put a little Ho-Ho-Ho back in your day."

Jack: "Sorry, Katie."
Kate: "I asked you not to call me that."
Jack: "Why not?"
Kate: "Because that's what you used to call me when I loved you and you loved me. And that was a long time ago."


Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

Do morning show hosts really practice their tagline in the mirror every morning? If so, that's upsetting.

This secretary is a nosy bitch.

This make-up artist's sole reason for being in this movie is so that we can find out what really happened between Jack and Kate all of those long holidays ago. She should also be fired. Because she has applied zero make-up to Kate's face and Kate is about to go on national TV. Less exposition and more doing your actual job, Wendy!

Colin Ferguson is just the right amount of excitable. Although he doesn't seem to be a very good producer. Considering the fact that he just let his talent punch an Asian man into a Christmas tree and declare that she hates Christmas. Is this really how TV works? I thought every minute was scheduled and once the time slot of one show ended, it was automatically programmed to switch to the next show. How does the left over footage just go live? How does this big of a mistake happen? Also the technology in this booth looks suspiciously like my high-school AV club.

There is a guy in this meeting whose entire purpose is to recite the viral hashtags Kate's tussle with the Asian guy generated. #bahhumbugkatescrooge #harperhatestheholidays #sendkatecoalforchristmas

Everyone at this TV station is total crap at their jobs.

Every town should have a mayor who entices famous TV personalities to visit by filming a heart-warming commercial and imploring them to find their Christmas Spirit. Although he probably blew all of the town's budget on it. Sorry folks, we no longer have the money to fix pot hole riddled Main Street or collect the garbage or recycling in town but the good news is that we can now keep Mayor Drysdale's unhealthy obsession with an LA talk show host alive!

Does anyone else keep getting lost in Colin Ferguson's blue, blue eyes?

Did no one at the TV station do any research into this town? They simply believed the video the mayor made and immediately sent their morning team off to stay in the middle of North Dakota for a week? That's next level bonkers. Don't they have research assistants?

In case we didn't know they were sent somewhere cold, Jack makes frighteningly loud "brrrr" and "ugh" noises while shivering violently through the airport. The heated airport.

I think Mia Walker, the underage manager of the Hollyvale inn, killed the people who owned the inn and buried them in the basement. Why else would she be so defensive about working behind the front desk? Also, look at her DEAD EYES...

My name is Mia. I like ice-skating, christmas cookies, and MURDER.

Ahhhhh. We now come to the real reason the town is dying. Their giant Christmas Tree has been missing for years. Warning: If your entire town's economic growth is tied to a Douglas fir, you might want to move.

That creepy doll in the store window is giving Kate straight up Vietnam flashback face. She must have a tragic family backstory.

Colin Ferguson elevates this movie with the sheer brilliant wattage of his smile alone.

I wouldn't eat Mia's food. She seems perfectly capable of poisoning her guests.

Christmas has projectile vomited all over this warehouse.

"You used to drive me nuts with this stuff. Back in school. You'd get a hold of, like, a story or a lead and you wouldn't let go. No matter what. Until you had taken it as far as you possibly could." Um. Jack. You went to journalism school and you're a producer. Shouldn't you know what a reporter does?

Mia is terrifying. Like "children of the corn" terrifying. She is going to single white female Kate's life.

Wait. They dated for 3 plus years and he didn't know that her dad had walked out on her? Did they NEVER talk during those 3 years? They clearly spent Christmases together. Surely, in between sipping hot cocoa, making out and chasing stories a "btw my dad left me at Christmas and now sends me one letter per year" would have eventually slipped out.

I want someone to look at me the way Colin Ferguson looks into that glass of vodka soda with lime.

Is it just me or is there a romance brewing between Mayor Drysdale and Hollis, the missing rich townie who withheld Hollyvale's giant Christmas tree due to his tragic past?

I don't know much about producing a live television segment, but I am 97% sure it involves more than simply holding up an iPad. Wouldn't they need some sort of van nearby with video equipment? Right now they have a camera, which appears to be connected to nothing, and an iPad. How is this going live to LA?

Colin Ferguson can stand on a Christmas float and pelt me with candy while dressed like an elf anytime he wants.

SANTA JUST TOOK OFF HIS BEARD ON LIVE TV! Assuming we are wrong and LA is actually witnessing this train wreck of a live feed, Santa can't just de-beard on TV. That would destroy the dreams and hearts of millions of young children. WTF. How is no one fired for this?

Conclusion:

You too can find your Christmas Spirit if the mayor of a small town has an uninhibited passionate fixation on you, your ex is a crappy producer with eyes as blue as Christmas dreams, and you single-handedly revive a small town's economy by solving the mystery of their missing Christmas tree. 

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