Christmas Cookies

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
  • Workaholic woman who no longer believes in the magic of Christmas who has a workaholic, stuffy boyfriend
  • Big looming corporate company that is a threat to small town life and/or will be closing down a local business and/or factory
  • An uber romantic horse drawn carriage ride through the city
  • Features a charming little inn or B&B that is one of the centerpieces of the town and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Gingerbread Inn)
  • A small town whose sole purpose is to celebrate Christmas and/or is named after some Christmas derivative (Cookie Jar)
  • A gingerbread house or cookie decorating scene
  • A small town contest, Christmas based, that's the biggest event of the year

The handsome factory owner sure knows how to defend the towns honor. And point at stuff. 


Synopsis:

An evil corporation without a soul, National Foods, is desperate to buy Aunt Sally's Cookie company so they send a bahumbug workaholic single woman to close the deal with the charming, handsome small town factory owner by Christmas Eve. In between negotiating the contract to wipe out thousands of jobs and decimate the small town of Cookie Jar and eating a massive amount of christmas cookies, Hannah rides a sleigh and builds a snowman with the precocious little girl next door, gets life advice from the gentle, matronly proprietor of the Gingerbread Inn, judges a Gingerbread building competition, attends a giant Christmas Tree Lightening Ceremony Dance thing and avoids her whiney, stuffy workaholic Christmas-Eve-party-obsessed boyfriend.

Will Hannah realize that there was no reason for her to hate Christmas due to the giant gaping plot hole of never having explained the reasoning behind her Christmas disdain in the first place? Will Christmas Cookies finally teach the residents of a small town that they can't spend a massive amount of their funding on giant Christmas competitions while refusing to pump the money into the only business that is keeping their town alive? 

Favorite Line: 

Jake: It isn't always about the money.
Hannah: Well, Aunt Sally's isn't exactly rolling in the dough.


Betty: "Well, what does anything mean if you just know it?" Ummm, what? Is Betty high?


Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

Let's zoom in as close as we possibly can to the horse drawn carriage ride so we can desperately hide the fact that we are obviously not really outside in a horse drawn carriage.

I am thirty seconds in and I already hate Gavin, Hannah's stuffy-don't-worry-they-aren't-meant-to-be boyfriend. Whiney Gavin (WG) is obsessed with Christmas parties because that's where all of his co-workers show off their wives. Sounds like an excellent quality in a man.

This is Gavin. Gavin is a whiney bitch. Don't be like Gavin. 
Hannah has an unnecessarily flighty sister who reminds her that her company, National Foods, might just put a bid on the Aunt Sally Cookie Factory in Cookie Jar, a town they used to visit as children.

There's nothing like buying out a company whose entire town is financially dependent on that company right on the holiday that keeps them in business. Why not send the workaholic woman with a disdain for Christmas? Annnnd, of course, Hannah goes to Cookie Jar on behalf of her evil corporate overlord boss. She plans on closing the deal in a day. Done and done. Except she completely forgets she’s in a Hallmark Movie: a Christmas Hallmark Movie. DEALS NEVER GET DONE IN ONE DAY IN HALLMARK WORLD, HANNAH.

The train drops her off and a pickup truck taxi, "Ed's Taxi Service", with an entirely-too-handsome-to-be-a-down-on-his-luck cabbie is there to take her to the hotel. Annnnd cue the slow, agonizing pause to acknowledge their mutual attraction. Also, they never introduce themselves. That's awkward. And highly foreshadow-y.

Why can't Hannah seem to get her ass into the truck? Oh, right she’s been a city girl for too long. She just can't handle getting into a pick up truck and needs the entirely-too-handsome-to-be-a-down-on-his-luck cabbie's help.

Look! She’s clicking away at her phone. See! She really IS a workaholic. Corporate America is always a text away.

Obviously Hannah is staying at the adorable quaint Gingerbread Inn which, along with its gentle maternal proprietor, Betty, will invariably tug at her childhood heart strings. AND yes! The cookies are right in the SAME place they were when Hannah and her family used to visit all those years ago. Obvi.

She’s staying in the Peppermint Room which is on the top floor and there is no elevator. Bitch, you want the top floor, there is no elevator in life. #metaphor

Ugh. Hannah’s on the phone with WG. She states she’s going to close the deal tomorrow and be back in time for his everyone-pimps-out-their-wives office Christmas party but she totally doesn’t want to go to this party. I don't want to go to this party. This party and Gavin suck.

Wait. Huh? Betty has just revealed that everyone in Cookie Jar works at Aunt Sally's and no recipes are ever written down. Huh. This is probably information that will not become essential later.

Next day is Hannah's big meeting with the factory owner. Hannah is taken on a small tour of the factory on the way to Jake’s office. OH, HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! EPIC TWIST 30 MINUTES IN! Down-on-his-luck cabbie Ed is really Jake, the down-on-his-luck Aunt Sally's Cookies factory owner.

Uh-oh. Ed/Jake has to "mull" the deal over for three days. But Hannah only brought one suitcase! Like, she did not plan for three days of outfits (even though every subsequent scene has her wearing two new outfits per day) AND this means she'll miss WG's super important 1960s-wife-key-swapping office Christmas party.

Also, her business proposal fit into one red, three pronged folder my kid uses at school. Huh.

UGH. Another WG phone call. He is totally pissed she’s not going to be at his let's-sell-our-wives-into-slavery office christmas party. “If you want to be there, you’ll find a way.” Control issues much? She apologizes for wanting a career. WHAT? I nearly set my TV on fire.

Hannah desperately needs advice. Shall she turn to the soft, supportive inn owner?“You gotta feel it. Christmas is what you make it. Or bake it.” Betty and her maternal smile, has Hannah contemplating life, probably.

How do we make Jake more appealing? Oh! Oh! Oh! I know! Let's make him have a special bond with the precocious little girl named Bonnie, who lives next door to the inn! This will lead to a flirtatious snowman building scene, a flirtatious sleigh-riding scene, and a flirtatious ice scraping scene. Yes, I said ice scraping.

Hi. I'm Jake. I own a failing cookie factory and in my spare time, I build snowmen with underage townies.  
They go sledding and, of course, it's charming and flirtatious until the camera angle is Bonnie's perspective at the front and OH MY GOD it looks like they are going over the side of the fucking mountain but, no, jk, they safely tumble at the end and laugh and laugh and laugh.

How long does it take to scrape the ice off a windshield? It's been seventeen minutes. Maybe you guys should just turn the car and the heat on and let it melt. Also why is no one concerned by the little girl sleeping in the back in the freezing cold? She might have hypothermia.

Of course there's a gingerbread competition the next day. Someone just yelled, “We get to eat the houses after!” Yeah, OK, so, no, you shouldn’t. Gingerbread for construction is horrifying. I just watched a real baking competition on The Food Network and in order to build a solid house, the gingerbread has to be dried for days otherwise it collapses. Also, this is how we get ants.

Wait. The winner of the GB competition gets a life-time supply of Aunt Sally's cookies? Worst. Prize. Ever. 97% of the people who live in this town work in the cookie factory and eat those fucking cookies all the time. Am I the only asshole who would rather have cash?

The wholesome waitress who wants to go to medical school in order to become the town’s doctor sadly informs Hannah that she won’t be able to go if the factory leaves town. Which will basically lead to all of her dreams dying and the burning resentment of her family. Thanks, evil food corp.

Sled race the next day! Jesus, this town has a lot of competitions. My town sucks.

Jake has somehow (wha-at?) hurt his ankle and Bonnie asks if Hannah can sled with them. PEOPLE! This is a competition. There are rules! Thankfully in this world of icing covered perfection, their competitors are fine with the extra weight because one of the competitors takes great pride in fat shaming her husband in front of god and everyone. Apparently, the husband eats enough to make up for the weight difference; she laughs they’ll win anyway. And of course they do. Yay! More cookies and eventual life-threatening diabetes for the husband!

Fucking WG shows up at the after party. WHY? “You weren’t answering my calls.” He puts his arm possessively around Hannah and takes her out of smooching range from Jake. “Hannah is my significant other.” Hold on. Who actually calls anyone their “significant other?” Like honestly. Sure, as adults calling someone our boyfriend or girlfriend, especially when you're in your 40s, sounds kind of weird, but actually calling someone your SO is way weirder. And dry.

WG proposes??? WTF. Hannah is speechless. I am speechless.

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUP ABOUT YOUR SEX RING OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY, GAVIN.

Gavin leaves to get on the train that just arrived, which SURPRISE her evil corporate overlord boss is on. “I came to close the deal.” She gives him the signed paperwork, but, alas, the train has left the station and now bossman is stuck in Cookie Jar, which is a relief because now he doesn’t have to attend three Christmas parties; one of which is at his house. Apparently he left his family to deal with the party. What a dick.

Standing in the Gingerbread Inn’s lobby, Hannah is also surprised by her flighty sister. Like, fuck, everyone is now in Cookie Jar. OMG. We are heading to a big ending, guys.

They eat cookies together.

Hannah explains she ended it with WG, FINALLY. “Oh. Is that a hug or a high five situation?” Her sister won me over with that line. Hannah's sister is the secret heroine of this movie.

They eat more cookies together.

OK, so we’re now at the big dance / dinner thing and Jake grabs a mic and tells the town, with Hannah and her big asshole boss standing there, that he’s sold the factory. No one’s shocked; everyone is very complacent that their town is about to go under and all of their lives are going to be destroyed. But, well, that's life, I guess.

Hannah and her sister are STILL eating cookies while Jake explains that maternal Betty will probably have to go on welfare. It suddenly dawns on Hannah that the factory is useless without the employees since, as Betty so thoughtfully explained in the beginning of the movie, only one person knows one part of the recipe; they aren’t written down anywhere.

Hannah takes the stage and goes into a long pitch to her boss about how he’ll have to hire all of the employees in order to get the recipe. It’s all very touching and wow and Christmas is what you make it / bake it and hope and love and faith and yay and snow and weeeeee and small towns conquer all.

Bossman, overwhelmed with Hannah’s passion (because that’s how it works in corporate America) gives her the Aunt Sally account and rips up the contract in a frenzied cookie high. The factory and town are saved! Cookies for everyone! And Jake and Hannah finally kiss.

In just three days she changed from wanting a big corporate career to wanting to be with a man who pretended to be a cabbie. Ah, love.


Conclusion: 

With its extravagant town festivities, fat shaming townies, and sled races, this movie is icing covered perfection! 

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