Monday, November 9, 2015

'Tis The Season For Love

Hallmark Movie Checklist:
  • Down on her luck girl returns to her hometown and bumps into an old flame
  • Someone uses the words "unmarried" and "spinster" in the same sentence. 
  • Scene in a sprawling, beautiful and quaint Christmas Tree Lot that resembles no Christmas Tree Lot we have ever encountered in real life. 
  • Flirty/romantic ice skating scene that turns into a kiss
  • Overly enthusiastic (and frequent mentions) of "The Real Santa" and subsequent visits by a man who may or may not be "The Real Santa"
  • A charming little small town Christmas Festival and/or Pageant that's the biggest event of the year
  • Features unexplainable circumstances that are explained away by the term "Christmas Magic"
We are back, ladies (and the possibly one or two gentlemen who are actually reading this blog) with a charming Christmas morality tale of giving up your dreams for a man. We had high hopes for Hallmark's Holiday Season opener because Sarah Lancaster is pure joy but, alas, they were dashed by the GINORMOUS Folgers product placement in the first three minutes of the movie. Get ready for some serious Holiday Magic in 'Tis The Season For Love!  

CHRISTMAS TREE LOT SCENE, BITCHES! 

Synopsis: An out of work actress (Beth) living on her friend's couch in a manhattan apartment that no Broadway actress would ever be able to afford in her life, returns to her hometown where she bumps into an old flame (Barry) who in a crazy twist is NOT her love interest and falls in love with his best friend (Dean) who has a penchant for quotes like "Greatness comes in all shapes and sizes, Beth" and is a firefighter who doesn't seem to do anything but play cards in the firehouse and help with the town Christmas Pageant. Will the man who works at the Christmas Tree lot turn out to be THE REAL SANTA and help Beth realize- through the magic of the Holidays- that her dream all along is to remain in the hometown she left behind so many years ago?

Favorite Line Exchange: 
The Real Santa:  "Well, I don't have all the answers, Beth."
Beth: (accusatorially) "Well, you kinda act like you do, Santa."

Random Thoughts We Had While Watching The Movie: 

How in gods name does her friend, who is an actress who has only been in two broadway shows, afford the biggest Manhattan apartment I have ever seen in my life? Oh, wait. She comes from family money. Thank god, you explained that, Hallmark. Thank god.

"You took out all of my pageant trophies?"- This might be number 1 on the list of things that have never been uttered in my house.

Who has a picture of their ex-boyfriend in a leather jacket, wearing a bad-boy pouty face in their childhood bedroom?

Wow- these people remember a LOT of superlatives from their high school. I don't even remember who I went to high-school with.

Her bad-ass-leather-jacket-wearing-ex is now a pharmacist. Okay, that makes sense.

YEEES. A super cryptic Santa.

How perfect that the town needs someone with a theater background to direct the holiday show and take a part time job as a drama teacher! I didn't see that coming. At all.

The principal offering her the job is aggressively creepy.

What 30 something woman body checks kids out of the way so that she can see Santa about a magical key that may show her the future?

Either this is the worst "let's cover up the name of the business" job or it's the lamest attempt at holiday decorating ever. 
Is it just me or are they now saying "Kern" in every other sentence after not mentioning the name of the town in the first half of the movie?

How does the Kern Town Council justify paying the wages of a full time fire department? These guys just sit around and play cards or read the Kern Journal (The Kernal!!!!!) out loud to each other.

I didn't think it was possible but this principal gets creepier every time he is on screen. "I'm just going to let that one simmer, Beth." His lines definitely have an undercurrent of WHILE I PEEL OFF YOUR SKIN AND WEAR IT AS A HAT.

Beth is a really shitty choreographer. Or these kids are just pure garbage.

Do Barry and Eileen not have cell phones? Every time they need to make a phone call they actually leave the room. Is Kern the only town in the county that still has a pay phone? Or are they telepaths?

"What I did with these kids defined me." Well, the kids were horrifying, Beth, so maybe the agent who dumped you in the beginning of the movie made the right call.

Look! Look! We are going to end the movie with a romantic walk in the Christmas Tree Lot while snow is falling. Wait. It doesn't look like a single tree was sold in this lot. Cryptic Santa is a shitty tree salesman.

Conclusion: You should always give up your dreams for a man. During Christmas. Because a guy dressed up like Santa gives you a magical key.





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