Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Ice Sculpture Christmas

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
  • Down on her luck girl becomes a dishwasher in her hometown and bumps into a childhood crush/love
  • Tragic, dead parent who was the embodiment of the Holiday Spirit
  • Character whose parents showed them the meaning of true love and they could never settle for anything less
  • Girl is from a humble background and makes hugely profound statements about finding angels
  • Boy's family is from the upper echelon of society and therefore in need of a "holiday" lesson in classism 
  • Flirty/romantic christmas cookie baking scene 
  • A charming little small town contest, Christmas based, that's the biggest event of the year
  • Incredibly humble, annoyingly positive father/daughter team who are always smiling and always taking the high road 


Seriously, these are their expressions. The whole time. 



If you’re always humble (always-always!) you will totally rise to your dream job two weeks after starting from the very bottom as a dishwasher based solely on your constant “I’m OK” face and random ice carving skills, which come in super handy the very first day, and allow you to win the prince (of where, we still don't understand) who just wants to do something meaningful for once in his silver spooned life.


Synopsis: Total Cinderella story, except the class slipper is ice, freezing cold ice. Girl from a modest, middle-class family, who has to work for everything she has, reconnects with a good-hearted-wants-to-help-humanity prince she met as a child who just so happens to still belong to the same country club where her dad has always worked and now she works. This romance is going to be totes hot enough to melt the blocks of ice in Ice Sculpture Christmas

Favorite Line: 
Callie’s dad, Frank: “Christmas is food for the heart and soul.” 
Hand to Santa, those faces, the whole time. 



Random Thoughts We Had During This Movie:

Where do they live? Because the ice sculpture she carved in her front yard isn’t melting. Also, it's not very good. 

How did the head chef not remember Callie was starting work her first day and why was she late to / not a part of the monthly meeting being held that she just happened to stumble upon, thus drawing attention to herself.

And... cue Über competitive icy bitch who will cause problems for our plucky heroine. Her name is Jen. They are always named Jen. 

Oh, look, a 25 year old ice sculpting contest that the heroine can totally use to prove her worth to the restaurant. Huh. I didn't see that coming. At all. 

There’s no way David was merely “oh no, my phone” when Callie bumped it into the fountain. Who doesn’t lose their shit over a phone falling into the sink? I would have cut a bitch. 

Weez’s comment about the phone in the bag of rice, “It’s supposed to be completely submerged in the rice! Hello!” It was half out of the rice AND wasn’t even in it overnight. She’s 11, she knows. The Hallmark researchers are trash. 

Wait. That guy made a house WITH furniture in four hours and all they could muster was a gingerbread man? 

Also, Callie isn't that talented at ice sculpting. Her gingerbread man is terrible. 

We published an ice carving book. I wonder if it did well? (File that under: Thought one has when you work for a textbook publisher)

The god damned Bradford deal, David! Is that the Hallmark version of the Catalina Wine Mixer? 

He’s a prince and his dad is the king? Of what / where? Of their company? Of their town? I don't understand. 

This country club looks like a run-down Courtyard Marriott. How exclusive could it possibly be? 

That flirty christmas cookie baking scene was a perfect opportunity for counter sex Epic fail, Hallmark. Epic fail. 

Gloria and Frank are so gonna hook up.

Jen, the manipulative shady bitch, sabotaged Callie's piece of ice. Noooooooooo. What is going to happen? The movie is over. OVER. 

How in the hell did Callie create an angel out of her broken ass block of ice that was reduced to half its size?

Does no one else think that Callie's ice sculptures are pure garbage? That angel has no face. It's terrifying. It's going to kill us all. 

Why didn't Callie just ask David when that bitch Jen tell her that Brooke and David are a thing because, of course, David, being a prince, would never ever love a “dishwasher”? Why does she ask Brooke? Such a passive female role… (eyeroll)

WHO’S THE WINNER?! No need for a winner when the girl gets the guy, I guess.

Conclusion: The passive, positive girl gets her prince, and her dream job, and her mom’s legacy full-filled, and Jen totally gets fired for being a bitch. If that’s your thing, this one is for you, on ice. 


No comments:

Post a Comment