Thursday, November 20, 2014

Northpole

Hallmark Holiday Checklist:
  • Has the REAL Santa! 
  • The Northpole is losing its christmas magic due to children all over the world not believing in Santa and/or the christmas spirit and thus Christmas might be cancelled FOREVER and EVER
  • Uses picking out a Christmas Tree as a metaphor for finding love
  • Evil developer wanting to tear down cute and charming town park or historical site in order to build condos or other buildings fueled by evil
  • Flirty/romantic ice skating scene
  • A Nutcracker Suite montage with characters doing christmas-y things. 
Hallmark has been flooding their channel with advertisements for this movie every commercial break, proclaiming loudly and with wild and reckless abandon that Northpole is THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE of the Holiday season. Prior to starting this blog, we had no idea this was the case but Beth must have been subconsciously (and diabolically) taken over by Hallmark as she "accidentally" bought Northpole merchandise at CVS, blissfully unaware of the fact that her ornament was tied to THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE of the holiday season. Needless to say, we couldn't wait to watch this movie but it was less about it being THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE of the holiday season and more about it starring Saved By The Bell's Kelly Kapowski.


Synopsis: While Northpole is struggling with power issues due to children all over the world not believing in Santa and/or the Christmas Spirit, a young boy and his journalist Mom (Kelly Kapowski!) move to a small town which has had its holiday spirit crushed into tiny pieces for apparently no reason at all. Sadly, Kevin has difficulty making friends at school due to his unwavering belief in Santa and Christmas magic. In fact, the only person at school that seems to like Kevin at all is his hot single teacher, who may only be trying to get close to him because his mom is Kelly Kapowski. After Kevin's Christmas Club fails miserably and makes him even more of a social outcast, he teams up with one of Santa's elves, Clementine (Bailee Madison) to try to save the Northpole. They decide that their main tasks will be: getting the town to change their mind about cancelling the town's Christmas tree lightning, baking three thousand cookies, and panhandling on the streets. Meanwhile, it's up to Kelly Kapowski to figure out just what the mayor and the evil condo developer have planned for their cute and charming town ice rink/ christmas tree lighting park. Can they save Christmas or will the holiday magic fade slowly from the earth and destroy joy and hope and everything good forever? 

Favorite Lines:

Clementine: Snow. Em. Gee.


Random Thoughts We Had While Watching This Movie

Is the Northpole surrounded by the giant ice wall from Game of Thrones? Because, if so, that's pretty cool and actually really useful. 

I can't imagine a better Real Santa than Robert Wagner. He's next level awesome. And he used to solve crimes on TV with Stefanie Powers. 

Why wouldn't the hot single teacher speak in a fake Irish accent when first meeting a parent?

Every teacher in every school in these movies must be a Montessori teacher. They seem to teach any and all subjects and are able to assign things like "Christmas" or "Holiday" projects. Common Core doesn't exist in Hallmark towns. 

Poor, sad Kevin. But, seriously, who has an entire photo album of just Christmas photos taken in their old town?

Why is he opening a strange box that was left at his house? Hasn't this kid seen the movie, Seven? You never open the box, Kevin. Never. 

Who names a reindeer Randy?  That is the least Reindeer-like name I have ever heard. I'm disappointed in you, Northpole. 

Did Kevin just draw sperm on the white board to help explain his Christmas project? 
HOW WILL A STICK FIGURE GLEEFULLY THROWING SPERM INTO THE AIR SAVE CHRISTMAS? 


If you are planning to secretly build condos in the town ice rink/ christmas tree lighting park, don't display the model of the building in the Town Hall lobby.  #WorstVillansEver

Did hot teacher just let himself in the house?  When did we become that friendly? Oh, right, he's hot and concerned. 

Their brilliant plan to save the town christmas tree lighting ceremony by selling Festive Pine Art will definitely work! Because who doesn't love Festive Pine Art? 

Your kid just ran away, but instead of calling the police you call the hot single teacher?  I guess that makes sense.

How does this small newspaper, which covers only one town, employ 137 people? 

Major Plot Twist - the villain isn't a scrooge! He is a super sweet grieving widower philanthropist, who wants to fix the town ice rink/ christmas tree lighting park in memory of his late wife AND build a condo complex across town, which will bring in much needed jobs and revenue. His condos are not, in fact, fueled by evil! Basically Kelly Kapowski sucks as a journalist.  

You're a single mom and you just quit your job?  That doesn't seem remotely wise or economically sound. 

Was Randy the Reindeer just chilling in the woods through this whole movie? We hope someone was feeding him. 

How did the whole town know to bring ornaments to the tree?  That seems awfully random. Oh, right. Christmas Magic. The answer to everything. 

Wait, did Hallmark just show us a trailer for Northpole 2, coming in 2015, with Full House's Lori Loughlin? Their insidious merchandising tactics prior to releasing this movie must have paid off. Clearly, Beth wasn't Hallmark's only victim. 

Conclusion: This is the single greatest imagining of the Northpole we have ever seen in our meager lives.  There is an entire city with Venetian canals, colorful trampolines for elves to get around, shops dedicated to hot chocolate and dreams, AND giant, whimsical complexes for each elf guild. This is a far cry from the usual single ramshackle house and dilapidated barn that most films have a penchant for using as Santa's workshop. How can Santa create enough toys in one workshop for the 526 million kids (yes, a study in 2011 came up with an actual count of the number of houses Santa would have to visit) each year? I mean, really, Christmas magic can only go so far. However, we have no trouble believing that this Northpole could manage the task. Also, this movie has the giant ice wall from GoT. And Kelly Kapowski. 


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