Friday, November 14, 2014

A Cookie Cutter Christmas

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist
  • A Character whose parents taught her the meaning of true love and she won't settle for anything less (seriously, that's three movies in a row now)
  • Tragic widower with a young daughter and a heart of gold 
  • A charming little small town Christmas Festival that's the biggest event of the year
  • A Nutcracker Suite montage with characters doing christmas-y things. 
  • A main character says "All I want for Christmas is you." with a straight face
Are you horrible at baking and friendship but still long for that single dad with the tragic back story? Then you need to stop what you are doing right now and watch A Cookie Cutter Christmas

MY LIFE IS SADLY LACKING A COOKIE BAKING NEMESIS!

Synopsis: Two rival teachers who have been mortal enemies since their epic Christmas Concert dueling duet debacle at age eight try to destroy each other while competing to win a holiday baking contest AND the affections of a handsome single dad with a heart of gold who supports him and his precocious, cute-as-a-button daughter by spending all of his time at his rickety donations center that is clearly making no money at all. Will he choose Christie, the girl with the disastrous baking skills and widowed mother, or Penny, the manic crazy-eyed redhead who harbors a not-so-secret obsession with the song "Silent Night"?

Favorite Lines:

Penny: "I've been known to whip up a mean batter."

Christie: "We used to be best friends until she stole my thunder at the christmas concert."

Random Thoughts We Had During This Movie

Oh, it's set in Greenville. My cousins are from Greenville! This has no bearing on this blog post and holds pretty much no value to our readers. I should take it out. But, I won't.

Clearly we are not in a public school. They have mentioned christmas at least 37 times and instead of learning math or history, the kids are being taught how to make christmas decorations. Private school educations are my favorite!

Teacher frenemies make the best frenemies.

Why did Christie go on a tirade of how amazing her house looks during Christmas? Her decorations are like one wreath, some haphazard tinsel, and garland. Reach for the stars, Christie.

The Center of Hope is neither a center or even remotely hopeful. Even the sign looks like it's been hung by some drunk homeless guy.

My school never had a Teacher Christmas Cookie Bake-Off! I would have liked to have seen my teachers' thinly veiled aggression towards each other take the form of batter and sprinkles.

Did he just say Arrendale? He's a single dad with a heart of gold AND he's from the land of FROZEN too? You win, Hallmark.

The only remainder of handsome single dad's shadowy past are the remnants of his rock-and-roll ear piercings. No, seriously, he has two giant holes in his ears. We took a picture. See below.

Could he have opened the Center for Hope to atone for his past sins as a rock star? 
She just killed Frosty in an attempt to impress single dad and his daughter. We hope that no innocent christmas decorations were harmed during the filming of this movie.

These extras could not look more bored. Even their clapping is lackluster. I think the curly haired kid just fell asleep.

Oh, they inserted a random teacher no one cares about and who doesn't have one line in this movie into their epic "Teacher Christmas Cookie Bake-Off" in order to draw out the semi-finals. His orange plaid shirt and horn-rimmed glasses scream science teacher.

These cookies all look like they came from some generic brand X mixed holiday cookie box. None of them even look appetizing. What kind of contest is this? I cry foul, Hallmark! Foul. I want decadent, mouth-watering, frosting smothered cookies during a movie called A COOKIE CUTTER CHRISTMAS.  No wonder TV's Alan Thicke is taking infinitesimal bites of each cookie. He is LITERALLY eating cardboard.

Penny must own stock in a tinsel company. Or buy it at some crazy discount at Walmart. Seriously, she just used it as wallpaper. Is the fact that the entire house decorated in blue and silver supposed to be a nod to Hanukkah? Maybe the kids could have been playing with a dreidel instead of working at a sweatshop, making holiday ornaments.

How do they have a christmas festival every weekend? My town has never even had one. I feel deprived.

"I'll be sure to stuff it in your inbox." Whoa, that's way harsh, Penny.

This is the most awkward version of silent night I have ever heard. Penny just mimed holding the baby jesus as her denouement.

Christie just left her mom at the party?! Her mom didn't even want to go to the party in the first place. Does her mom even have a ride home? Why would you just leave her there? #worstdaughterever

"I heard Greenville has quite the reputation for its sniper rifle." Oh, wait he said nightlife. I like the misheard quote better. People come from miles around just to take a gander at Greenville's sniper rifle.

Penny, the ginger without a soul, is totally trying to foil Christie and single dad's budding romance by stealing one of single dad's recipes and blaming it on Christie. Oh, the humanity!

We were robbed of a grand bake-off. Robbed. I also expected more Simon Cowlesque judging from Alan Thicke or at least some of his fatherly and sage advice.

Conclusion: If you want to nab a widower with a heart of gold, make sure you do it through his kid. Also mistakes made when you were eight can totally haunt you for about 20 plus years AND come back to bite you in the ass, while almost destroying your relationship.



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