Hallmark Holidaze: Movie Reviews from The Heart or Something

Hallmark Movie Checklist: Down on her luck girl loses job right before Christmas Tragic dead parents who were the embodiment of the Holiday Spirit Tragic Widower with a precocious daughter with a heart of gold A member of the royal family-of some country that we have never heard of but whose natives all speak in a British accent- falls in love with a commoner (Seriously guys, there were two this season. On the same channel)  We wish we could say that this review of one of the features of Hallmark’s FIVE NIGHT MOVIE EVENT over Thanksgiving was so late because Colleen was putting a lot of effort into crafting a well-planned, thoughtful review. But truthfully, it’s so late because she had to watch the damn thing four times since she kept zoning out and didn’t know if she'd missed anything important. It turns out that no, no, she did not. I want the crown! NO, I want the crown! LET GO OF THAT CROWN YOU FILTHY GINGER! Synopsis:  Winnie Cooper - I mean All...

We are taking a break from our regularly scheduled program (so many movies to watch, audience, sooo many) to show you something amazing we discovered while watching these delightful Hallmark Movies. Its a phenomenon we like to call "The Awkward Pause". Since DVR has made it possible to pause the films so that we can retrieve another much needed glass of wine, champagne, rum, or rubbing alcohol, we found that it also allows us to capture the greatest moments in Hallmark Christmas Movie History. Today we want to take you on a journey of some of our favorite moments over the past Holiday Movie Watching Season. "The Constipated Prince: A Study in Contrasts"  "Hello from the Outsiiiiiiiiiide. At least I can say that I've triiiiiiied. To get you into the Christmas spirit, bitch." The things a girl will do to impress a prince.   WHOA! Let me sit here and stroke my beard because I'm William Fucking Shatner and I can do anything. ...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Tragic widower with a precocious daughter and a heart of gold Cold, never-been-married woman who has a fear of abandonment and no longer believes in the Holiday Spirit Has the REAL Santa The Northpole is in danger! A Christmas music montage with characters doing christmas-y things Flirty/romantic christmas tree decorating  dancing scene Have you ever wanted an estranged aunt to die and leave you an inn in the middle of nowhere that is a secret power station of Christmas Magic that fuels Santa's Sleigh in his journey around the world to deliver presents to all of the world's children? OMG, so have I.  It's TV's Lori Loughlin! Becky  Donalson-Katsopolis from Full House can do no wrong! ***Before you read this delightful tale, you may want to read our review of the first installment of the  North Pole series , where a young boy saves Christmas by drawing a stick figure throwing sperm in the air.*** Synopsis: Sadly, ...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Family run department store during the holidays  Character named Nick whose mysterious background leads viewers to wonder if he is, in fact, a part of the "Real Claus" family Character whose parents showed them the meaning of true love and they could never settle for anything less Features unexplainable magical item (in this case, a Mrs. Claus suit!) that imbues people with the "Holiday Spirit" and changes their lives Uses picking out a Christmas Tree as a metaphor for finding love Under-the-mistletoe make-out scene Are you a believer in independent stores with big hearts, zero business sense, and quirky owners who are still in love after all these years? Then you need to drop your hot cocoa, put on your comfy P.J.'s, and watch Charming Christmas ! PLEASE TELL ME THERE WILL BE A MISTLETOE MAKE-OUT SCENE! Synopsis:  A frosty work-obsessed gal, Meredith , puts on a magic Mrs. Claus dress and fights her need ...

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist: Down on her luck girl becomes a dishwasher in her hometown and bumps into a childhood crush/love Tragic, dead parent who was the embodiment of the Holiday Spirit Character whose parents showed them the meaning of true love and they could never settle for anything less Girl is from a humble background and makes hugely profound statements about finding angels Boy's family is from the upper echelon of society and therefore in need of a "holiday" lesson in classism  Flirty/romantic christmas cookie baking scene  A charming little small town contest, Christmas based, that's the biggest event of the year Incredibly  humble,  annoyingly  positive father/daughter team who are always smiling and always taking the high road  Seriously, these are their expressions. The whole time.   If you’re always humble (always-always!) you will totally rise to your dream job two weeks af...