Wednesday, November 16, 2016

The Mistletoe Promise

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:

  • Character named Nick or Holly and/or some other christmas derivative
  • A workaholic (this movie has two!) who just doesn't have time for a normal relationship
  • Flirty ice skating scene
  • Bosses making their employees travel to their extravagant Christmas Eve parties instead of being at home with their families 
  • Picking out a Christmas tree scene
  • Two main characters compete in a Christmas themed contest
  • An ├╝ber romantic horse drawn carriage ride through the city



OMG Christmas Selfies, guys!
The Synopsis:

Two workaholic, self-proclaimed "Christmasphobes" are harassed by aggressive mall Christmas carolers, a douchey ex-husband with a car show model girlfriend who likes posing on snowmobiles, and a law-firm that sounds suspiciously like a cult obsessed with marriage and fertility. Plagued by the aforementioned pressures, Nick and Elise decide to to sign a contract (aka the Mistletoe Promise) to be each other's boyfriend/girlfriend for the Holiday season. With the end goal of getting Nick promoted to partner and a less defined objective of "helping" Elise with her ex, these two negotiate an agreement that will take them through some of Christmas' greatest challenges such as a viewing of "It's a Wonderful Life", a whimsical office snowman building competition, a festive office tree-trimming party, an office ice-skating outing, yet another office Christmas party, and the infamous "Partner's Meeting" on Christmas Eve. 

Will these two get swept up in the joy of building a solid fake relationship and lying to everyone they care about or will they let love and the Christmas Spirit pass them by? 

Favorite Scene in the Movie:

Obviously it was the Reindeer Report. Because, you know, it makes perfect sense for a small travel agency to sponsor and run the "most watched local news program of the year." 

I'm still confused on this segment. Is it a weather report? A Geography lesson? 


Favorite Line:

"Darts are great for arm flab." 

Random Thoughts We Had While Watching this Movie:

These Christmas carolers are horribly aggressive. 

There is literally nothing redeeming about Elise's ex-husband. Can't we have a flashback of him stroking a puppy lovingly or something? Because as it stands now, I cannot see why she would ever have given him the time of day, let alone married him and given him half of the company she started. 

Wow. Nick's boss is totally Hallmark's cheaper version of Antonio Sabato Jr.: 

Behold! Antonio Sabato Jr, light 
Nick is up for partner and all they can afford to give him is a candy cane as a symbol of their faith in him? I don't think this firm is doing too well, Nick. You may want to update your resume.

This firm is really obsessed with being married and having children. His boss has mentioned it 2397 times in the first twenty minutes. 

No, but seriously, can we go back to the carolers? They are now undulating around her in a frenzy of festive hostility and I think one of them just spit in her face. The lady in the Santa hat has crazy eyes. I have never felt more seething hatred in the words "figgy pudding." 

Villainous Bradford, Nick's competition for partner, tells the BEST endings to stories. I'm going to relay them all for your reading pleasure:
  1. "I say, what do you call the other 364 days a year? He says, 'I call em' come here, boy." Um, what? That's just gibberish. 
  2. "So the apartment doesn't have a stick of furniture, we're there with the pieces all over the floor, and the instructions are in SWEDISH!" This one incited near hysterical laughter. No, seriously, hysterical laughter. 
  3. "See we didn't realize they speed the gondolas up when they are closing the ski park. We thought we had plenty of time to finish!" Oh, Bradford, I just can't even.  
"We don't date retail after thirty. Retail people are predatory at Christmas." Holly, the sassy, ethnically ambiguous best friend, just imparted some solid words of advice for single women everywhere. Holly is the secret heroine of this movie. 

Ok, NO.  The MOST famous line from one of the MOST famous Christmas movies of all time cannot be an inside joke between them. The whole point of an inside joke is that no one else gets it. EVERYONE gets "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings." Everyone. 

The charity component to her travel agency is called "History Kids Charity Outreach Program". They need to rebrand, like, now. History Kids? What does that even mean? Are these kids just severely undereducated in history and need expensive tutors?

This is the third time we have seen these carolers. I don't think they have jobs. Maybe they are homeless. Maybe they have killed all of the people who wouldn't listen to their carols. Maybe they have stolen the clothes of all their victims. This is a mystery we will never solve. 

"I am a divorced woman who does good works in the world." This reeks vaguely of judgement. Why does her divorce need to be pointed out again? We are very well aware of the ex husband who owns half of her company. Hallmark, are you suggesting that we're not supposed to like divorced women? Do divorced woman normally avoid doing "good works"? Is that a thing? 

Ok, Nick's boss is totally on to something with this Christmas Tree Trimming party. Why pay to decorate your giant tree when you can just make your employees bring over all the decorations and do it for you?  This is how the rich stay rich, people. 

Was Elise really just asked to re-plate the candies by Nick's boss' wife?  She is literally touching all of them and moving them from one plate to another.  How does this help the party in any way?

Another speech about the importance of marriage and children in their law firm. If you aren't married you are clearly nothing. 

Who the hell "wees" and "woos" while ice skating? And why are there an inordinate amount of semi professional skaters at this firm? I'm pretty sure if I was forced to go ice-skating with my colleagues there would be more alcohol and less skating. Also, I would probably break something. 

Oh, god. Nick and Elyse are now singing "figgy pudding" in the same cold, dead-eyed way that the carolers did in the beginning. Maybe the murder is spreading. Maybe this is really a horror movie in the guise of a heart-warming Christmas tale.  

"She is a divorced woman but she still has more empathy and grace than anyone I've ever known." STILL? Wow, Hallmark really hates divorced women. 

Here comes the awkward and public reveal of their fake relationship and subsequent lying to everyone. Will Bradford tell another hilarious joke? Will Nick's boss be unusually forgiving? Will the senior partner they just introduced to us in the last five minutes of the movie be charmed by Nick's complex web of lies and promote him to partner anyway? 

"Your reindeer report has been getting a lot of philanthropy calls. A lot of do gooders want to fund our History Kids Charity Outreach Program!" This line is wrong on so many levels. WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? Oh. Siri does. Maybe Siri wrote this movie. 

Cue Nick's grand romantic gesture. Of rebuilding the creepy snowmen they made together in her snowman building contest? Huh. Not the way I would have gone but okay. 

Ok, so, I now know that love should be the greatest gift of all. But Nick got the partnership at the firm and she walked away with literally nothing but Nick's creepy snowmen. Her ex still owns half her company and the only way she can get out from under him is to sell it and start over? This Mistletoe Promise was suspiciously one-sided. 

Conclusion: Signing a fake relationship contract with a stranger, after bonding over Wonton Soup and murderous Christmas carolers, to fool your friends, your ex, or your boss ALWAYS works out in the end. Except if you're a divorced woman. Because you deserve nothing. 

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