Sunday, November 27, 2016

December Bride

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
  • Tragic dead parent who was the embodiment of the holiday spirit
  • A flirty/romantic cookie or gingerbread decorating scene
  • A flirty/romantic tree decorating scene
  • A classic "you have dirt on your face let me wipe it off" moment
  • A charming little town Christmas tradition/festival/event that is the biggest event of the year (Holiday Tour of Homes Charity Event)
  • A Christmas proposal or wedding

Do you know what this house needs? More giant pinecones! I'M THE BEST DESIGNER.


Synopsis:

Interior decorator and obsessed-with-becoming-a-December bride Layla irrationally blames Seth for the fact that her bitchy cousin stole her fiancee at some weird work function because he was, like, there when they met? Layla's ex-fiancee and cousin apparently speed to the alter and she is scolded by Judgey McJudgerson Aunt Lorraine for not wanting to go to the wedding so Seth magically reappears and offers to be her date so she doesn't feel like a total loser. He escalates things quickly at the ceremony by proposing to her in front of everyone and, uh-oh shenanigans, they decide to continue to lie to her entire family because a guy that the filthy rich Seth knows needs an interior decorator and will only decide to hire her if she does a great job with Seth's house at a charity event for rich people who like to tour atrociously and overly decorated homes on Christmas eve or something. 

Will December Bride show us is that having a fake fiancee is way better than Tinder when it comes to finding true love? 


Favorite Lines: 

Layla: "I just never imagined I would go to my cousin and ex-fiancee's wedding. What little girl dreams about that?"

Seth: "I was born in a suit and tie but you got me to loosen up and have a little fun, albeit, off-key."


Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

Holy Crap, are they implying that Seth is her cousin?  I don't think incest makes for a feel good family Christmas movie.  Oh, ok, he is not the cousin, thank god!  But why was this scene oddly and inexplicably drawn out?  Why did we have to wait so long to reveal who the cousin who stole her fiancee was? This is not the right kind of suspense, Hallmark.

Her fiancee is hardcore flirting with her cousin directly in front of her face. This is really awkward.

Aunt Lorraine sucks. Her cousin STOLE her fiancee.  I'm not sure what Ann Landers or Miss Manners would say - but I have to imagine that they would agree that you do not need to forgive your cousin for stealing your fiancee within the first year of the betrayal. If we can decipher Hallmark's timeline, the cousin and fiancee hooked up at most 6 months ago, possibly as recently as 3-4 months ago (assuming time to meet, feel a connection, feel bad about the connection, hook up, feel bad about the hook up, hook up again and finally break the engagement news to sad, unsuspecting Layla).  So, Aunt Lorraine, shut it.

 "All we have in this life is family." Does that apply to everything, Aunt Lorraine? Like, sure, Uncle Charlie likes to skin cats in the basement while listening to Journey but we'll still go to his kid's christening.

What does Seth do? Will they explain this soon? So far all we know is that he has an office and he's rich.

Holiday Tour of Homes Charity Event. The Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of charity events.

Why is Layla carring a binder, a telephone, and a three hole punch to do her job? What do those things have to do with her being an interior decorator? Shouldn't there be like measuring tape or something? 

It makes no sense why Layla is mad at Seth. None. He wasn't responsible for her ex-fiancee being a douche rocket or her cousin being slutty. This is highly upsetting. Seth should not be blamed for douche rockets and sluts.

These decorations are literally eating the tree. If Layla can't decorate a tree how can she be good at her job?

DO NOT FORCE HER TO GO TO THE WEDDING, AUNT LORRAINE.  If this was 10 years down the line, maybe I could see your point.  But right now, Layla should be allowed to cry in bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, call the SEC and say her fiancee made a profit off insider trading, and burn down her cousin's new shop because she is the injured party.

This is a very low budget wedding. It's totally in the back of an Elks Club.

Layla and Seth are aggressively out dancing the bride and groom. Because, you know, they were dirty filthy cheaters.

"Christmas-y. You really love that word. What does that mean?" Um, Layla if we have to explain that to you, you aren't good at your job or life.

Wow, this deal was a whole lot simpler than the one in "Mistletoe Promise".  Nothing to sign, nothing incriminating in email, and (perhaps most importantly) everyone gets something out of this deal.

Why does no one ever write down the measurements they take?  Clearly all of the curtains or designs for the office will be wrong.  It is impossible for her to remember all of this. Another sign that she is a terrible interior decorator.

OK, so Seth is supposed to be a total workaholic, but you want me to believe that he had time to do a community theater production? And that's how they met? No, I don't buy it. And, there has been no previous mention of either Seth or Layla having a love of theater or performing. I am generally willing to believe whatever you want me to believe, like a magic Mrs. Clause suit and a Venetian canal filled Northpole, but this is pushing it.

We also still have no idea what Seth does.

Layla - do not feel bad about lying to Aunt Lorraine.  She deserves it. Aunt Lorraine is next level terrible.

WTF is that red thing? WHY IS LAYLA TOTAL GARBAGE AT HER JOB? 
"But Layla always wanted to be a December Bride!" That's the ONLY problem Layla's dad has with this rushed, perfunctory engagement? What about the fact that she is getting married to a man you have never met or heard of until, like, three minutes ago? This family is bonkers.

There are not enough giant pinecones in this movie.

"This is much more fun than work." WHICH IS WHAT, SETH???

My boyfriend just had an apoplectic fit over how they tied the Christmas tree to the car. Something about roof or root balls. And Russians. And "You lie, Hallmark! You lie!"

This apology from her cousin is utter crap. That was clearly an unrepentant-I-stole-your-fiancee-and-your-December-wedding-date-and-expect-you-to-be-okay-with-it sorry.

Seth's parents are really snotty about decorating your own tree. "We hire people for that sort of thing." At this point, my boyfriend may or may not have screamed "bourgeois" and "fucks"at the TV.

Why all the pressure for her to be a December bride THIS December?  Guys, it will be December again in a year, unless time mysteriously doesn't work the same way in the Hallmarkverse. Just back off and let her be, dammit.

Or don't.

Conclusion: You can be total crap at your job and still land a big account as long as you are fake engaged to a man who does vague financial type things for people. Also, hire Hallmark to be your wedding planner because you can get married in less than two days. 

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