North Pole: Open For Christmas

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
  • Tragic widower with a precocious daughter and a heart of gold
  • Cold, never-been-married woman who has a fear of abandonment and no longer believes in the Holiday Spirit
  • Has the REAL Santa
  • The Northpole is in danger!
  • A Christmas music montage with characters doing christmas-y things
  • Flirty/romantic christmas tree decorating dancing scene
Have you ever wanted an estranged aunt to die and leave you an inn in the middle of nowhere that is a secret power station of Christmas Magic that fuels Santa's Sleigh in his journey around the world to deliver presents to all of the world's children? OMG, so have I. 

It's TV's Lori Loughlin! Becky Donalson-Katsopolis from Full House can do no wrong!
***Before you read this delightful tale, you may want to read our review of the first installment of the North Pole series, where a young boy saves Christmas by drawing a stick figure throwing sperm in the air.***

Synopsis: Sadly, due to incompetent strategic planning on the North Pole's part, The North Pole is in danger of failing Christmas, yet again, because one of the power stations that fuels Santa's sleigh is in the hands of a woman with "commitment issues"! Luckily Mackenzie has a handsome handyman named Ian with a precocious daughter and a plucky elf named Clementine, who throws around phrases like "Christmas in the heart puts Christmas in the air", to help her make the worst financial decision of her life by keeping the money pit -err- inn open!

Favorite Line: "You march to your own Glockenspiel, Clementine."

Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

The further Santa's sleigh gets from the Northpole, the more power it needs. Also Santa's sleigh is fueled by power stations, hidden inside random buildings scattered around the world. Take one down and Christmas is RUINED. Huh. I'm surprised no Disney villain has exploited this giant gaping maw of a weakness.

Please sell your Aunt's Northern Lights Mountain Inn to an evil developer, Mackenzie. Please sell your Aunt's Northern Lights Mountain Inn to an evil developer.

He restores old things. Check. He works with his hands. Check. He is a good father. Check. He does good deeds for the town for free. Check. He is financially stable so he can do the aforementioned good deeds for free. Check. Okay, okay we get it. He is the perfect man.

Eggnog shampoo sounds horrifying, Clementine. You can keep your shiny, shiny hair. (And we know it's shiny because all of the characters are telling us over and over that it is.)

"I'll be at the Sawmill" is not something I'll be sure to hear in my lifetime again.

"There is no such thing as too many christmas trees." Let's agree to disagree there, Clem. If you have a studio apartment in Queens, I bet 27 Christmas trees would not be a good idea.

Why are all single tragic widower dads always independently wealthy while all single tragic widower mothers are always struggling to make ends meet in the Hallmark Universe? This guy just accepted payment for fixing the entire inn for a stack of mahogany in the basement and Betty's cooking because he's "good" on the money front. If this movie were about a single mother, she would be selling the last vestiges of her dead mother's antique jewelry while working three jobs in order to pay the bills. #hallmarkmoviesexist

"Your career is getting rid of people's pasts which I don't know, is okay, I guess." Wow. He just totally took a huge dump all over her career. Minus points, Ian. Minus points.

Seriously though, this Northpole is amazing. They have infinity pools and lasers.

Ian is apparently a really shitty handyman. Everything he fixes immediately breaks. Maybe this is the real reason he doesn't accept payment for his services. He's a complete failure.

Why don't I have a magic snowflake wallpaper slide in my house?

"And even though we don't have a single guest, a single paying guest, The Northern Lights is overbooked with two things that matter most: Friendship and Love." Pretty sure Friendship and Love don't pay the PSE&G bill, Mackenzie.

Next time I change my mind after signing an ironclad contract, I should just launch into an emotionally gripping diatribe about the meaning of life and I will totally get out of it.

Conclusion: This is the greatest imagining of a Northpole since the last Northpole movie. Also, Santa should go to more planning board meetings so that he doesn't drop the ball when one of his "Christmas Magic Power Stations" falls under a re-zoning law that will destroy Christmas FOREVER. 


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