Monday, December 21, 2015

A Crown For Christmas

  • Down on her luck girl loses job right before Christmas
  • Tragic dead parents who were the embodiment of the Holiday Spirit
  • Tragic Widower with a precocious daughter with a heart of gold
  • A member of the royal family-of some country that we have never heard of but whose natives all speak in a British accent- falls in love with a commoner (Seriously guys, there were two this season. On the same channel) 

We wish we could say that this review of one of the features of Hallmark’s FIVE NIGHT MOVIE EVENT over Thanksgiving was so late because Colleen was putting a lot of effort into crafting a well-planned, thoughtful review. But truthfully, it’s so late because she had to watch the damn thing four times since she kept zoning out and didn’t know if she'd missed anything important. It turns out that no, no, she did not.
I want the crown! NO, I want the crown! LET GO OF THAT CROWN YOU FILTHY GINGER!
Synopsis: Winnie Cooper - I mean Allie Nolastnamebecauseitdoesn’tmatter- the oldest of a plucky trio of orphans, who are totes supportive of each other, is a maid at a fancy hotel until she gets fired for something stupid right at Christmastime. Luckily, the king's manservant witnesses her getting fired and decides that her getting fired is the perfect prerequisite to leaving her sickeningly supportive siblings behind and being the governess of the prince's precocious, bratty daughter in an unnamed country where everyone has British accents but it is clearly not Britain. Will Allie win the affections of the bratty princess when so many have tried and failed? Will the hot widowed king finally feel ready to love again after his wife died tragically of an unnamed illness? Will Allie end up with a happily ever after fairy tale romance? Well, it’s called A Crown For Christmas so if you said "no" to any of these questions you're a giant idiot and we don't want to know you.

Favorite Line(s):  

"Are you familiar with court protocol?" 
"Uh, I watch Downton Abbey."

Random Thoughts We Had During This Movie:

Apartment is small so they’re probably going to tell me she’s poor, yup, cue the bills with the GIANT UNPAID stamp on them. 
And she’s an artist. Naturally. Why are they ALL artists, Hallmark? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Ooh, they’ve been assigned to the VIP floor by their mean boss lady. Don't speak unless spoken to. Don't make eye contact. Gee, I wonder if either of those two rules will be broken.
I really don’t think you have the authority to tell your sister to just leave during her shift to do to an audition, Allie.
Oh no, she hit king guy with her maid cart! And now she’s having verbal diarrhea! Something about soap, sewing kits, chocolate, hand towels and oh, my god, shut up shut up shut uuuuuuupp, Allie! But Max the king apparently finds it charming and/or finds her bangable. I hope she’s not seen by the mean boss lady who told her not to speak to the guests. OH, NO, WAIT THERE SHE IS.
I'm too sexy for my sewing kit. Too sexy for my sewing kit.  Too sexy it hu-urts.
Why is everyone acting like the king’s room is, like, rock star party level trashed? There are like five dirty dishes and two knocked over champagne glasses. 
Allie didn’t clean the room fast enough so she’s FIRED. And her job-abandoning sister is FIRED. A week before CHRISTMAS. And the butler saw her return the king’s forgotten fancy watch because she’s so upstanding and moral and shit.
Wait, the butler offered her a job just because she makes good Mulligan stew? WTF.
I wonder if the housekeeper (Miss Wick) is so grumpy because her hair is pulled back so severely that it’s causing her pain.
Really, Allie, have you ever been in public before? You’re walking through a castle, say out loud that it’s like a museum, and then the next thing out of your mouth is literally “Ooh!” as you lunge to touch something that doesn’t belong to you. Do you do that in actual museums?
Seriously, though, why is the brat a ginger? You’re stereotyping, Hallmark. Uncool.
Now Allie is taking a Christmas ornament off of a tree and kicking it through a door because the mischievous ginger dared her to. Allie is kind of the worst. Serves her right if it hits someone in the head... the king. She just hit the king in the head with the ornament she kicked. Worst. Governess. Ever. 
And she’s won evil ginger princess Theodora/Teddie over within, like, five Hallmark minutes. Bonding over dead mothers for the win!
Oh, I get it. King Max is bad at kinging, but his dead dad was bad at dadding. 
It looks like the king might be getting a little too cozy with the help. What’s his Mean Chancellor Guy (MCG) to do? Why, call in the previously alluded to Ice Bitch soon-to-be Fiancé, of course! Ice Bitch looks a little ginger-y too, come to think of it. I think that’s how we’re supposed to know she’s mean before she opens her mouth and freely condescends to everyone.
Oh, no, Ginger Ice Bitch Celia (GIBC) and MCG drop the bomb that Teddie is being sent to boarding school and Allie’s getting kicked to the curb early. And, also, they don’t want to try Allie’s Christmas cookies (made with her dead mother’s recipe!) just in case their eeeeeeevilness wasn’t apparent enough.
Hallmark really, really hates gingers. 
There’s a Christmas ball! And Allie is invited! And, of course, the old cook has a red ballgown that she’s kept for forever and ever and it just happens to fit Allie perfectly. Don't we all have a spare ball gown collecting dust in our closet in the hopes that one day, we too will be able to pass it down to a servant when our own dreams have long since withered and died? #obvi 
Uh-oh, the engagement ring is missing from the case! Time for GIBC to drop any hints of being a fully fleshed out character and just march over and accuse Allie of stealing it because she’s poor and shit. Or something. But we all know the kid took it because she wants Daddy Dearest to marry Allie, right?
Allie just left for “the inn”. This country consists of one castle and an inn. Sure. 
Oh, look, she's left Christmas presents for everyone! In the zero free time she had, she drew (horrific) portraits of every single person in the castle. They’re all touched even though they’re seriously bad (and borderline creepy) drawings. If I got one of these drawings, I would assume the artist wanted me killed. 

Boom! GIBC is dumped. Boom! Max tells the MCG to eff off and that he'll be whatever kind of king he wants, dammit! Boom! Max jumps on his horse to LITERALLY RIDE UP AND SWEEP ALLIE OFF HER FEET and he seriously just said, “You had me at sewing kit." And I’m done.
Conclusion: It’s always a good idea to abandon your family at Christmas to take a job in a country you’ve never heard of, for a family you know nothing about, because you’ll end up as royalty. The end.

Monday, December 14, 2015

An Awkward Pause

We are taking a break from our regularly scheduled program (so many movies to watch, audience, sooo many) to show you something amazing we discovered while watching these delightful Hallmark Movies. Its a phenomenon we like to call "The Awkward Pause". Since DVR has made it possible to pause the films so that we can retrieve another much needed glass of wine, champagne, rum, or rubbing alcohol, we found that it also allows us to capture the greatest moments in Hallmark Christmas Movie History.

Today we want to take you on a journey of some of our favorite moments over the past Holiday Movie Watching Season.

"The Constipated Prince: A Study in Contrasts" 

"Hello from the Outsiiiiiiiiiide. At least I can say that I've triiiiiiied. To get you into the Christmas spirit, bitch."

The things a girl will do to impress a prince.  

Let me sit here and stroke my beard because I'm William Fucking Shatner and I can do anything.

And now for the the Pièce de Résistance So amazing that it needs no caption

Monday, December 7, 2015

North Pole: Open For Christmas

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
  • Tragic widower with a precocious daughter and a heart of gold
  • Cold, never-been-married woman who has a fear of abandonment and no longer believes in the Holiday Spirit
  • Has the REAL Santa
  • The Northpole is in danger!
  • A Christmas music montage with characters doing christmas-y things
  • Flirty/romantic christmas tree decorating dancing scene
Have you ever wanted an estranged aunt to die and leave you an inn in the middle of nowhere that is a secret power station of Christmas Magic that fuels Santa's Sleigh in his journey around the world to deliver presents to all of the world's children? OMG, so have I. 

It's TV's Lori Loughlin! Becky Donalson-Katsopolis from Full House can do no wrong!
***Before you read this delightful tale, you may want to read our review of the first installment of the North Pole series, where a young boy saves Christmas by drawing a stick figure throwing sperm in the air.***

Synopsis: Sadly, due to incompetent strategic planning on the North Pole's part, The North Pole is in danger of failing Christmas, yet again, because one of the power stations that fuels Santa's sleigh is in the hands of a woman with "commitment issues"! Luckily Mackenzie has a handsome handyman named Ian with a precocious daughter and a plucky elf named Clementine, who throws around phrases like "Christmas in the heart puts Christmas in the air", to help her make the worst financial decision of her life by keeping the money pit -err- inn open!

Favorite Line: "You march to your own Glockenspiel, Clementine."

Random Thoughts We Had During this Movie: 

The further Santa's sleigh gets from the Northpole, the more power it needs. Also Santa's sleigh is fueled by power stations, hidden inside random buildings scattered around the world. Take one down and Christmas is RUINED. Huh. I'm surprised no Disney villain has exploited this giant gaping maw of a weakness.

Please sell your Aunt's Northern Lights Mountain Inn to an evil developer, Mackenzie. Please sell your Aunt's Northern Lights Mountain Inn to an evil developer.

He restores old things. Check. He works with his hands. Check. He is a good father. Check. He does good deeds for the town for free. Check. He is financially stable so he can do the aforementioned good deeds for free. Check. Okay, okay we get it. He is the perfect man.

Eggnog shampoo sounds horrifying, Clementine. You can keep your shiny, shiny hair. (And we know it's shiny because all of the characters are telling us over and over that it is.)

"I'll be at the Sawmill" is not something I'll be sure to hear in my lifetime again.

"There is no such thing as too many christmas trees." Let's agree to disagree there, Clem. If you have a studio apartment in Queens, I bet 27 Christmas trees would not be a good idea.

Why are all single tragic widower dads always independently wealthy while all single tragic widower mothers are always struggling to make ends meet in the Hallmark Universe? This guy just accepted payment for fixing the entire inn for a stack of mahogany in the basement and Betty's cooking because he's "good" on the money front. If this movie were about a single mother, she would be selling the last vestiges of her dead mother's antique jewelry while working three jobs in order to pay the bills. #hallmarkmoviesexist

"Your career is getting rid of people's pasts which I don't know, is okay, I guess." Wow. He just totally took a huge dump all over her career. Minus points, Ian. Minus points.

Seriously though, this Northpole is amazing. They have infinity pools and lasers.

Ian is apparently a really shitty handyman. Everything he fixes immediately breaks. Maybe this is the real reason he doesn't accept payment for his services. He's a complete failure.

Why don't I have a magic snowflake wallpaper slide in my house?

"And even though we don't have a single guest, a single paying guest, The Northern Lights is overbooked with two things that matter most: Friendship and Love." Pretty sure Friendship and Love don't pay the PSE&G bill, Mackenzie.

Next time I change my mind after signing an ironclad contract, I should just launch into an emotionally gripping diatribe about the meaning of life and I will totally get out of it.

Conclusion: This is the greatest imagining of a Northpole since the last Northpole movie. Also, Santa should go to more planning board meetings so that he doesn't drop the ball when one of his "Christmas Magic Power Stations" falls under a re-zoning law that will destroy Christmas FOREVER.