Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Nine Lives of Christmas

Hallmark Holiday Movie Checklist:
  • Character who is emotionally crippled by their parents bitter divorce and vows vehemently never to love again
  • Character whose parents showed them the meaning of true love and now they can never settle for anything less
  • Overly enthusiastic (and frequent mentions) of the Christmas Spirit
  • Under-the-mistletoe make-out scene
  • Uses picking out a Christmas Tree as a metaphor for finding love
  • Best friends who tell it like it is (this movie has TWO!) 
Are you a sucker for a story about a super handsome guy, whose parents' divorce caused him to write off love forever (FOREVER!), and a beautiful, true-love believing woman who wears incredibly frumpy, man-sweaters and although she is smart, beautiful, able to hook up a stove, and re-grout a sink has NO IDEA she is everyone's ideal woman? If you answered yes to the above question, then The Nine Lives of Christmas is the Hallmark movie for you! 


MEETING CUTE! WITH CATS!
Synopsis: Firefighter and lifelong bachelor Zachary plans to live a quiet life fighting fires, dating vapid, models with psychotic tendencies, and (pretty randomly) restoring and flipping old homes all on a fireman's salary. Marilee, the adorably oblivious-to-her-own-charm beauty, who put her life on hold to raise her sister after their parents death, is in veterinary school and is just too busy to date! However will these two meet?  Will it be the incredibly catchy "Just Dessert" cake-obsessed on-line dating site that we desperately wish existed? Or will fate, a couple of cats, and concerned surrogate father Gregory Harrison do the trick?


Favorite Scene: Any scene in which Brandon Routh creepily strokes his cat. 

WHAT? I DON'T HAVE CRAZY EYES! JUST LET ME STROKE MY CAT!

Favorite Lines: 

Best Friend: "Do you want to die old and alone in a housecoat, surrounded by a bunch of cats, and dogs, and broken dreams?! (long pause) I'm sorry, it's just what my mother always says to me." 

And this: 

Marilee: "He's, like, really busy with fighting fires and stuff." 

Random Thoughts We Had While Watching This Movie:

Gregory Harrison has only been on screen for 3 seconds, laughing in the background, and already he is our favorite character. We're not even sure his character has a name and we don't care. From here on, he shall only be referred to as Gregory Harrison. 

"Your pussycat patient may exhibit..." is not a phrase any character should utter during a Hallmark movie. 

It didn't take Zach very long to explain his fear of commitment to the orange tabby he just kidnapped.

Obviously, she is single. You can tell by the GIANT TUB of unappetizing pink and green ice cream she just placed in her cart. 

An inordinate amount of characters in Hallmark movies have lengthy conversations with themselves or their animals. Is this normal? I have a dog and I don't monologue at her. 

The amount of people calling him a hero is out of control and- oh my god. Slow motion running. SLOW MOTION RUNNING! 

We all know that every good Hallmark movie doesn't really begin until someone pretends to have a boyfriend because their sister is judgmental over their single life.  

Why does this waiter have an overly aggressive fake Italian accent? I don't understand. 

She is watching a special on the mating rituals of Mountain Lions. It's surprisingly in-depth. Clearly this will be important later.  

Ways to tell if a girl is into you:   She tells her cat about you immediately after her depressing birthday dinner. 

He works 24 hour shifts seven days a week. How does he have time to restore and flip old houses? Where is he getting the money to do this? 

The cat just tried to full on assassinate Zach's generic model girlfriend. Nice. 

Every fire department should spend at least 50% of their down time talking about relationships and cats, while lifting weights. 

Marilee's profile on "Just Desserts" gets THREE Happy Cupcakes immediately. In case we can't tell just by looking past her bulky man-sweaters, it is now officially confirmed to the audience that she is attractive to the opposite sex.

"You can't snuggle up with us at the end of a long day at work."   Why not Gregory Harrison? Why not?!

Wow, this model is kind of a sociopath. For no reason. It's not even like she's Gisele B√ľndchen or anything. At most she's a model for a JC Penny catalog. 

Who buys a fancy dress for a party that's not happening for a few weeks and then wears it out of the store, leaving their actual clothes behind? 

More information about mountain lions climbing the highest peak for their mate.  

Do firefighters actually have badges that they can flash to mean and heartless landlords? Those codes he just spouted sound like complete nonsense. A 777? That's a jet, not a fire code. I should look that up, but I won't. 

He just asked her to move in with him after one visit to a food truck and a coffee date. This makes no sense.  

Cue the musical montage of all of the cute activities they participate in now that they live together and ARE MEANT TO BE. This includes- but is not limited to- jogging, reading the morning paper and pointing at the articles, and using their cats as a metaphor for their relationship. 

After their big fight, why did he just leave all of the bread on the table when he wasn't finished slicing it? That's unnecessary. It's going to get stale, Zachary. Like your life. 

Gregory Harrison has a family he adores and he wears distinguished grey hair like it's his job and he is going to convince Zach that he made a terrible, terrible mistake by letting the girl with the bulky man-sweaters go.  Gregory Harrison is the unsung hero in this movie. 

Why wouldn't Marilee be at a Pet Adoption on Christmas Day? 

Zach is using the only firetruck in his firehouse for his own personal gain despite the fact that there could be fires raging somewhere in the city but, by god, he is going to show Marilee that he IS her mountain lion mate by climbing the highest peak (ladder) right in front of her. Even though every building in the area is way higher and way more intimidating. 

Conclusion:  If you love Gregory Harrison and mountain lions, then you should watch this movie every Christmas. But also Gregory Harrison is AMAZING. 


1 comment:

  1. Honestly, I love Brandon Routh... he can pet my kitty anytime. I will be watching this one several times. Sounds a bit like the Pretty Woman ending.

    ReplyDelete